Thursday, 28 October 2010


With great regret I am now announcing my retirement from blogging and Twitter. I can no longer compete with the sheer bloody brilliance of satire that my spoofer Ian Dale has in his blog. It has been fun jerking my knee off and completely ignoring any responsibility I have to try and research facts properly. The great thing about blogs is that I can say what the fuck I want and completely abdicate any accountability for telling the truth, as long as I meet my own personal political agenda and further my burgeoning media career.

I was going to go quietly but having consulted my lawyer, Jack from Kent, he has informed me that legally I have to write a terribly self important post about "my work on Twitter being done" before signing off. Jack also reminds me that I can always renege on my decision to retire if I want at a later date without looking like an arse, and that if anyone tries to sue me for breach of promise he'll wade in for reasons of self publicity, sorry, justice.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

A break

I am still an emotional wreck after the sheer devastating beauty of Osborne and the CSR yesterday. He swung his axe quicker than I can jerk my knee. Indeed there was a very real risk that he would be stopped by health and safety goons, such was the speed and wanton blood lust with which he was brandishing his mighty rich smug weapon. It was a joy to behold. However, I am wrung dry so will be having a few days off, resting my aching patellas and getting ready for the next bout of smugness and leftie bashing.

Nick Robinson - wanker of the year?

Nick Robinson has won wanker of the year. This cheapens my success in this competition last year. I may hand my award back.

My good mate Dorries is cleared of lying about her expenses, he blogged smugly

But was pulled up for fibbing on her blog - but I won't mention that bit as lying on blogs is par for the course as far as I am concerned.

Bloggers who say that those who fund the Taliban are gulity of treason may be guilty of knee-jerk blogging without being in control of the facts

I will repeat something I saw on the telly and plant the suspicion that the Taliban is funded by British mosques while admitting that this may not be true but never let that get in the way of a good knee-jerk and sensationalist headline eh readers?

PS I may not fully understand the law regarding treason

On my LBC show tonight from 7

I give my reaction to the CSR: ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

How Ken is defending himself against petty and illogical sniping from bloggers who don't like him

Who cares? Ken is doing something (anything) and I will twist it into an anti-Ken post simply because I can't abide him. I could pick him up on many legitimate things but will instead choose the fact he is speaking overseas when he should be in London, apparently, on day of comprehensive spending (which is the last two things that will be announced) review because presumably if he is overseas in foreignland he won't have access to any information or be able to react (not that most people will be desperate to hear what he has to say anyway). In fact, he should never leave London ever again in case something happens.

These people who try and milk a second career doing speeches are really deplorable aren't they? Especially if they get invited to Malta rather than some of the shitholes I get to go to.

Right, I think I have done enough to use a really tenuous non-story to get over some proper anti-Ken points, just in case any of my loyal readers/listeners were thinking of being stupid enough to vote for him over Boris in 2012 mayoral election.

Quote of the day

"A kind of Stephen Fry meets Gyles Brandreth."

Some person who could be anybody speaking under a pseudonym about Iain Fale's LBC radio show

I assume this means I am both gay, and am a Tory with a flamboyant dress sense and propensity for engaging mouth before brain.

Or has someone finally recognised my soaring intellect and "national treasure" status?

At least Gyles Brandreth got to be an MP...

Bypassing blogs

I'm going to jerk my knee about this every time it happens, even if I bore you to death, and jerk myself into an early grave. Today the Daily Telegraph has published on its front page many of the details which will be contained in the Strategic Defence and Security Review and formally announced in Parliament by the Prime Minister this afternoon. Clearly they have been deliberately leaked to the Telegraph in advance.

This a disgrace. If there is going to be any leaking and publishing of information in advance of either the full facts being known or it being official, that is the role of blogs such as mine NOT the right wing press acting on behalf of the Tory Party.

Monday, 18 October 2010

Insert your own golf pun HERE

Played golf today for first time in ages. It was a disaster. One minute I was knee-jerking the ball off far to the right, the next I kept getting caught up in the rough stuff on the left.

I really must try to get out more often. It's good exercise and I actually left my Blackberry in the car, so had four hours without any communication with the outside world. Which was nice. For the rest of the world.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Trying to cure knee-jerking

I read something the other day by @charonqc (click here) that identified kneejerkitis as a medical condition.

If it is I am going to sue lefties on a no win no fee basis for causing irreparable damage to my patellas.

And it occurs to me that my spoofer Iain Dale firing off knee-jerk reaction spoof posts of my own knee-jerk nonsense makes him almost as bad as me.

Because of this, I am trying to calm down and think things through in future before posting. But if I had been knee-jerking over the last few days here is an assortment of things I may have written about.

I might have mused on how reading a blogger blogging about the Chilean miners news coverage being like watching paint dry is like watching paint dry

I could have posted something one day attacking local government decision making then the next cranking up my support for an English parliament based on nothing more than a suspicion of the Scots. I might also have attacked Charles Kennedy and Ming Campbell for doing their jobs and speaking out about tuition fees on the spurious grounds that as Scottish constituency MPS elected to a UK wide parliament they have NO RIGHT to interfere in English issues, which if I followed through the logic of to its rightful conclusion would leave me looking a right tit.

I might have jerked off some lame anecdote about Gordon Brown's portrait that had the double whammy of demonstrating that I have been poncing around Number 10 again AND my scorn for Brown without actually having to think up anything nasty myself.

I would certainly have asked whether it is time to ban anti-Union bloggers from blogging ignorantly about whether it is time to ban strikes in the emergency services.

Oh and hopefully I might have found a story where I could really get my teeth into leftie education standards and suggest with no evidence at all that a teacher I approve of was "resigned from her post" (ie. pushed out by lefties) after a row over her speaking at the Tory party conference. During term time. When presumably she should have been doing her job.

But luckily I did none of these things because if I had I would have looked like an arse.

From now on I'll stick to my new role as Cliff Richard's apologist, sorry publicist.

Thursday, 14 October 2010

Guess who I saw last night?

I wasn't on LBC last night. Ages ago I had booked to see Cliff Richard at the Albert Hall so I was jerking my knee in time to Wired for Sound. I left my programme in the more than capable hands of Mehdi Hasan. Hang on. He's a rabid leftie. How the fuck did that happen?

I am really dedicated to my job except when Cliff is in town - then I will let notorious commies into my seat (so to speak).

I reduced Grunt Fucker to tears earlier by playing him Cliff Richard songs. I am an employment tribunal hearing waiting to happen.

Miss You Nights is the best song ever written and is about when I am not on LBC due to attending Cliff Richard concerts.

I would've got another chance at being MP if I hadn't fucked the Tory Party over by watching Summer Holiday on DVD the night they made the selection.

Am I for real? I know it shouldn't matter but can people really take political analysis seriously from someone who reveres Cliff Richard and Roxette.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Tory MP hacks and coughs out a statement on why he is tabling a bill to repeal the smoking ban

Conservative MP David Nuttall has explained why he's tabling a 10 Minute Rule Bill aimed at repealing the smoking ban. Unfortunately, any MPs who may be in favour will miss his speech as they will have taken the opportunity to have a sneaky fag break outside.

My reservations about knee-jerking about higher tuition fees

It's a very complex area so I will confound everyone by posting a largely logically argued, well thought through, factually robust analysis of this challenging debate.

Which I am able to do because of the skills I learnt (and usually do not bother demonstrating) at University.

Make up your own mind about whether this is evidence of if the large amounts of money spent on higher education are worth it or not, whoever foots the bill.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Quote of the Day - Andrew Marr

The danger of using Andrew Marr's

"Most citizen journalism strikes me as nothing to do with journalism at all. A lot of bloggers seem to be socially inadequate, pimpled, single, slightly seedy, bald, cauliflower-nosed, young men sitting in their mother's basements and ranting. They are very angry people. OK – the country is full of very angry people. Many of us are angry people at times. Some of us are angry and drunk. But the so-called citizen journalism is the spewings and rantings of very drunk people late at night."

as quote of the day is that in a lot of regards he could be talking about knee-jerkers such as me. He's certainly referring to many of the people who read my blog and comment on it.

Blogger in lack of cleverness with patronising post about women shocker

Patronising comments about winding feminists up, including calling them "wimmin"? Check

Vaguely dull anecdote about Caroline Flint including bizarre story where I reveal shockingly that I accept that tampons are a luxury good? Check

Blog post complete

PS Re Flint, I am sure my chum Eric Pickles will enjoy his jousts with her, he'll probably have her made into a pie and doused with gravy.

Sunday, 10 October 2010

A flash with cash blogger

I spent nearly £50 on a book and IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A DUST JACKET. It is a disgrace that in these days of austerity and people facing real economic hardship that a blogger can casually spend almost £50 on a book and then whinge about it. I am so appalled I am not even going to review the book but I will make sure there is a paid link to it just below this post so if people do want to buy it I at least get some coin myself.

I always buy hardback copies of this book as I have them all going back to 845 BC and they look so impressive on the new bookshelves I bought earlier this year. I never look at these books (they are merely for show) let alone use them as the source of factual knowledge, hence the importance of the protective jacket to protect them when they are gathering dust on said shelves.

As a publisher I would never let the books I send out into the world be unprotected. That's why most of them come with a straitjacket.

Thursday, 7 October 2010

UPDATE on Sally Bercow post

Few people would take any notice of Sally Bercow's thoughts were she not married to the Speaker - and let's not kid ourselves as to why she's invited onto the telly, because it certainly isn't for her incisive political analysis!

So can someone explain why the fuck I get asked on?

Too quick to jerk the knee - too quick on the draw

An organisation makes a legal threat against someone who calls their bluff and stands up to them and then the organisation withdraws the legal action as they realise they had no basis for it in the first place.

In what way is this a draw?

In the same way that the Tories didn't really win the election?

Or perhaps I am so used to having to climb down myself over wild accusations not based on fact that I merely empathise when others that do it get found out so can't bring myself to say that they too are losers.

A speech about as meaty as tofu

I listened to David Cameron's speech while driving back to London. I wasn't expecting this speech to be especially memorable but a speech which invokes the collective spirits of Lord Kitchener, Margaret Thatcher, Winston Churchill and JFK deserves to be remembered.

Did I really just type that? Well yes, it invoked the hoary, hackneyed establishment posturing of Kitchener (with hopefully less people ending up dying as a result), the power crazed delusion of Thatcher, the clarity of Churchill (after 14 bottles of port), and the brains of JFK (post Dallas, November 1963).

It was a speech which bore all the hallmarks of the Big Society. In that it empowered active citizens to volunteer to try and find substance in the endless rhetoric around the still muddy BS concept - so the government doesn't have to bother.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Top 100 People on the Right

100: Genghis Khan

Where are the facts?

Yesterday, I spoke at a fringe event which was discussing the job of an MP. I was the only non MP on the panel (not that IT BOTHERS ME).

One point I made which the audience seemed to agree with, was that MPs are elected as representatives of their own party and as such owed their party a duty to attend their party conference. Unfortunately, as usual at this conference the MPs are notable by their absence. Obviously I don't have the figures (to use FACTS would be too much to expect) but I am quite happy to make a guess to illustrate my general point.

Yes, it is expensive to attend a party conference, especially if you can't stick it on expenses any more, and Birmingham is a shit hole.

Next year, perhaps the whips might like to encourage the flock to attend. With cudgels . It would be appreciated by the party workers who worked so hard to get the MPs elected in the first place (though not the ones who worked with me in Norfolk, 2005, lazy, incompetent bastards) though it would mean less free food for Eric Pickles.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Is blogger right to u-turn on what he said yesterday about child benefit?

I haven't spoken to a single representative here at the conference who has welcomed, without reservation, the child benefit announcement yesterday. To a man and a woman they all think the principle of taking benefits away from top rate taxpayers is correct, but like me, they are worried about the impact on votes.

It's no good Cabinet Ministers going on the airwaves pretending that everything is sorted and that all is sweetness and light. Even though only yesterday I casually said I expected that it would all be sorted.

Any fool can see that there are issues to be resolved here. Yet until Dizzee Stinks pointed them out yesterday I was unaware of them. I am not even intelligent enough to be a fool it seems.

David Cameron has an acute pair of political nostrils. And if he is sniffing the wind this morning I think I know what he will smell. Fear, decay and bullshit.

Ignoring the detail for a moment (detail doesn't matter when you want to make generalist sweeping statements) I think it is worth asking how we got to this point, because the whole thing has come as a very unpleasant surprise. Especially to me who said about a year ago that it was "tripe" that a Tory government would ever do this. Never mind the principle, the whole thing has made me look stupid.

The hallmark of the first six months of the coalition has been the rigour of the policy formation process. And also a rigour for detail and factual accuracy that I am incapable of. For example, the Coalition has been in place for less than five months.

I am beginning to bore even myself now so I will get back to wearing some nice spectacles and appearing on TV a lot.

Blogger in "Guido sleeping with employee childish gay innuendo" shock blog post

Remember how I beat seven shades of shit (and believe me there are plenty more hues in there) out of Guido Fawkes for his gossip about Hague?

So what are we to make of the revelation that Guido Fawkes and his able seaman (tee hee, the gay pride movement must be so proud of me) employee Harry Cole have been sleeping in a barge?

Fuck all obviously. Because it doesn't matter. And even if it did it's completely different to the Hague situation, however I try and dress it up. Still no harm in using this an excuse to make some bad jokes.

Imagine it, a leading blogger banged to rights for rank hypocrisy. Who'd have thought it wouldn't be me.

UPDATE: I will now use an update posted onto the end of the original post to clarify any factual inaccuracies I may have presented even though people who have already read the post won't return and see it so it isn't the same as publishing an apology or proper correction really is it but that's the way I work.

Monday, 4 October 2010

A knee-jerk which even Labour can support

Am I going to jerk my knee about the child benefit cuts and second guess how Labour will respond without checking the facts properly?

And then rely on Dizzee Stinks to do the research, suggest the implementation of this proposal is idiotic, even if the principle isn't, but casually suggest it will sorted out without having a clue one way or another?

Am I?


PS Shall I mention pre-election pledges to not means test child benefit?

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Come on Yankees - show us your big sweaty bollocks

I feel very sorry for all those businesses who will be spending the next few days worrying about whether they will have any American tourists as customers buying their political magazines and memoirs after the US State Department issued a travel advisory today, warning Americans to steer clear of places which attract crowds if they are on a visit to Europe. There is no specific terror warning, more to do with the fact that large groups of Yanks annoy the fuck out of everyone.

The effect will be clear. Americans will cancel trips to Europe for fear of what might happen. We've seen it before. You might think they would be made of sterner stuff, and indeed, many are (so where am I going with this then? Surely not headlong into knee-jerk rubbish). Those who live in big cities may not be put off, but Mr & Mrs Average from Main Street, Iowa probably will be. Probably. I have no basis for saying this. Indeed one could even argue that these people would never have come in the first place. But I am caught up in a knee-jerk-off so logic goes out of the window when I can resort to classic stereotyping.

A few weeks ago, Patrick Mercer reckoned that there was a clear terror threat to this year's Tory Party Conference. And yet despite Nadine Dorries and Baroness Waris turning up and speaking some quite horrific and destructive nonsense I doubt whether a single Conservative Party representative decided to stay away. We're made of sterner stuff. Plus Eric Pickles threatened to eat us if we didn't.

So come on Mr & Mrs Average American. (I can't believe I am even writing this. Is anyone still taking me seriously? Check the comments later for the sad and truthful answer. My apologists scare me more than I do myself). Show some bottle (but less than 100ml of liquids in hand luggage please. We don't want anyone getting blown up on a plane just to buy some shite Ashcroft vanity tome exclusively from Bitepillow Publishing).

Don't give in to the terrorists, because every one of you who cancels your trip is doing a little bit of Osama bin Laden's work for him (cos he is the ONLY terrorist). Just as if we blithely accept some fuckwit blogger resorting to hoary old cliche about if we give into terrorists they have won, then knee-jerk bloggers pandering to hackneyed opinion will have won.

UPDATE: It is a good job I didn't also make some comment about UK travellers not being wusses and too scared to travel and then find out later our own foreign office has issued a similar warning, and our own press are getting hysterical as well, eh readers?

How to ruin the Conference atmosphere

I can guarantee that the question I will be asked most this week at the conference on the broadcast media is "Who are you? What are you doing here? Are you an MP? Do you have a radio show? You do? Well why don't you piss off and present it then?"

Other people will ask me "What do you think the atmosphere is like?" It's a question which invites the response: "It stinks. Here we are swanning around, pleased as punch that we are finally in (shared) power, and we have to listen to doom and gloom and pretend we care about cuts when all we want to do is paaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrty. By the way, do you want to come to my bash on Tuesday with a German comedian?"

In other words it's a facile question and any journalist or pundit or blogger asking it should spend a day in the Lazy School of Journalism, where they will see my picture on the wall as most decorated head boy.

If journalists and pundits and bloggers really want to gauge anything accurately, let me make a simple suggestion. Instead of spending all your time talking to other journalists and pundits and bloggers, do some proper fucking research. Check some facts. Don't just rehash the work of others or quote their nonsense or link to their posts.

Friday, 1 October 2010

My Conservative Conference schedule - Including toilet breaks

I am going to be all over the Tory Party Conference like Eric Pickles at an all you can eat buffet. I am so looking forward to it and my only real problem is that I don't know how many pairs of pants I should pack. I am bound to ruin some what with all of the excitement and knee-jerking-off.

I thought it would be useful to publish a detailed itinerary of what I will be up to so you can avoid me. But it is probably easiest if you don't come at all rather than run the risk

Tasteless quote of the day

By Grunt Fucker

I was going to post a funny one liner by Tony Curtis yesterday but then realised that it contained the words "Wouldn't be caught dead" so decided that might be deemed a bit tasteless on the day that he died.

On my LBC show tonight from 7...

7.10: How can we make our roads safer for cyclists? Perhaps obeying the speed limit would be a good start

8.00: Another topic chosen to provoke morally bankrupt knee-jerking from listeners in the interests of "good" radio debate

9.00: As above

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

The Faley Fail

1: Ed Miliband is fed up of people spelling his name wrong and adding extra "l"s.

Only one blog needed today. Might as well get a decent attack on the new Labour leader into my blog by linking to someone who can do it with more intelligence than me. Yep, I am talking about Stephen Tallll.

Who leaked the Liam Fox letter and why didn't the bastard leak it to me?

The Telegraph has splashed with a leaked "For Your Eyes Only" letter from Liam Fox to David Cameron, containing some pretty candid private pictures. It is strongly worded and is proof, if it were needed, that pointless wars are expensive.

It is deeply worrying that this letter has been leaked. If such things are going to be leaked I want a piece of the action. A FYEO letter can only have been leaked by three different individuals (MoD civil servant, a Number Ten official, an MoD special advisor or Liam Fox himself - so that's four not three then) unless there has been some sort of electronic skulduggery (so make that five individuals - Andy Coulson as well).

Heaven forbid that the "leak" of a letter could have been instigated by Cameron as a way of raising a tricky and emotive issue to gain public support. I wouldn't suggest that, not when I can not suggest that Ben Brogan wouldn't suggest it either even when he does.

I doubt whether the leaker of the letter will ever be identified. They rarely are. Us bloggers and journalists protect our sources closely unless we want to drop them in the shit. But whoever it was should examine their motives for doing it. Because it may have far reaching consequences, way beyond those intended as I have discovered when I have used off the record sources and unchecked rumour and gossip to spread uninformed chaos throughout the blogosphere.

Can you see me up here on my high horse? Waving hypocritically, knee jerking so fast the horse doesn't know whether to break into a gallop or into a thousand equine shards?

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

I need to cut Ed Miliband loose

Well what a piece of shite that was. Turgid, tedious and lacking pace. But enough about my blog writing.

Ed Miliband was ponderous today. I invented him but clearly forgot to add enough gears or volume. I don't know what the top line from this speech was. Because I wasn't listening. Instead I was concentrating on picking up as many negative points as I could.

If you want a critique that concentrates on the style over the substance of what people say then you are in the right place.


Following on from my amazing prediction of 2 years ago when I was the first person to tip Ed Miliband to be a more likely Labour leader than his brother a whole 2 years after others had said the same, I can reveal some other big calls I have got right.

In 1975 I stuck my neck out and said that Britain would win the Second World War. In June I correctly predicted a Conservative-Lib Dem coalition. In August I said that Spain would win the World Cup and next June I will be boldly going out on a limb and stating that West Ham will be relegated from the Premiership.

I must be bloody psychic.

I will also predict that any predictions I make that turn out wrong will be blamed on my new assistant Grunt Fucker.

Monday, 27 September 2010

Introducing my new assistant

A few weeks ago I advertised that I needed an executive assistant to help me in my work now that I have permanent slot on LBC (did I mention this before? Better than being an MP). (Even though I made this announcement of needing an assistant before I widely made the one about having a permanent slot. On LBC I mean. Cos I had to keep it secret. But what is a bit of factual continuity honesty between blogger and fuckwit followers, eh? Sacks of shit the lot of you).

I had a huge amount of applications. And a few people wanted the job as well. Most of whom were shite. But I am delighted to announce that Grunt Fucker is my new executive assistant (I won't overstate the importance of this role with initial capitalisation on the title) starting from today.

Poor old Grunt is a highly articulate and knowledgeable young man but I will soon thrash that out of him. He will be helping me out with all my day-to-day activities (cups of tea, knee-jerking off, clean underwear, knee-jerking-off). He is very dashing and looks like Scott Baio in Charles in Charge.

He will also be contributing other pieces to my blog. However, he will NOT be writing my blogposts - I will continue to be doing that in my own name (unless they are ones in which I get facts wrong and make an arse of myself in which case I will change the byline).

The intention is that by employing him I free up a little more time to write more here myself, as I am aware that in recent weeks I haven't been as prolific as normal. I know that more than half of you come back here more than three times a day as you can't think for yourselves without my half-arse researched nonsense guiding your immoral compasses and lack of independent thinking. He will also be moderating comments, so those I want to block will be blocked much more quickly to enable more debate on my terms to take place.

Anyway, I hope you will welcome Grunt to the team and if you would like to follow him on Twitter you can do so HERE. Bizarrely my own spoofer Iain Dale has already set up a spoof account for him HERE. Sad eh?

Those political blogger achievements in full

An interesting call in on 5 Live just now. Here's how it finished...

CALLER: Name me one achievement of a political blogger inside politics other than rehashed stories, gossip, un-researched "facts", kneejerking and double standards...

CALLER 2: Er......

CALLER 1: OK then, name me one achievement of a political blogger when they were an MP...

CALLER 2: [long pause] Er, they never became an MP...

Says it all.

Funny & Fale on Ed

Would anyone like to listen to 18 voicemail messages recorded this afternoon by the nice Andy Coulson between me and Funny Handle from Leftie Piracy on the Ed Miliband leadership issue?

Sunday, 26 September 2010

A strange conference experience

Sitting in the foyer of the main conference hotel I wonder if I have come to the right conference. There just doesn't seem to be anyone right-wing here. Then I realise what's happened. I have turned up to the Labour party conference by mistake. I blame my bank. And the BBC.

Not being smug about Ed Miliband

I told you didn't I? 2 years ago I invented Ed Miliband in a GQ article and now he is Labour leader. I was the only person ever who said he was a potential leader apart from all of the others who were saying the same thing long before I was.

It's not often I get predictions right. Or facts for that matter. So God knows why people take so much notice of what I say.

By the way, I am currently at the conference so expect several blog posts showing restraint and balanced reportage.

I hate my bank nearly as much as lefties and the BBC

I have a bank account. When they offered it to me some years ago I was told it offered me all sorts of benefits. Almost as if they were overselling what they do to make people stay with them.

But now they want to charge me if I want to spend money I haven't got. What a cheek! Typical bloody capitalists. If they carry on like this they'll be making huge profits and that would never do.

Problem is I am stuck with them and these charges. Simply only spending what I earn and not going overdrawn and expecting other people (ie the taxpayer) to pick up the tab isn't an option. And I can't possibly change banks can I? No, instead I will slag them off publicly instead of doing something about it.

Friday, 24 September 2010

The importance of shopping

As some of you may know, my first proper job back in the 1980s, was in a port where I aided lonely sailors who were shopping around for some company. It’s an area I have retained an interest in ever since. Indeed, if I had ever been an MP (which I am well and truly over now, it just isn't worth it now the expenses scam has been rumbled but I could have been an MP you know, I am not bitter at all but FUCK YOU, THE PEOPLE OF NORTH NORFOLK AND FUCK YOU NORMAN LAMB) I would have loved to have been shopping minister.

Shopping is vital to the UK economy. Especially sales of political books.

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Blogger apologises to everyone he has offended or mis-represented

OK, he doesn't but it would be nice if he did. He would then be in a stronger position to get all pompous about other people apologising for getting facts wrong and smearing individuals based on spurious evidence.

The right wing blogosphere needs new blood

I have used up most of mine knee-jerking off

Monday, 20 September 2010

Clegg: the right speech for the right, now

Listening to Nick Clegg's speech I was struck by the fact that I could imagine David Cameron giving more or less exactly the same speech, almost word for word. It was almost as if the Tories had written it for him. In fact I suspect he wasn't delivering the speech from Liverpool at all but from way up inside of Cameron's arse.

It was a good speech, delivered well. The Number 10 team will be pleased. The boy Clegg has done what was asked of him.

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Minority value: Ashcroft publishes analysis of 2010 election

Lord Ashcroft, the controversial billionaire Tory donor (and financial benefactor of my own company so I have to publish his side of the story if that is what he wants), has written a tough public critique of what he sees as the costly flaws in the Conservative Party's election campaign. In his analysis, the Tory life peer criticises the party for:

Not making use of the millions of pounds I threw at it from my untaxed income to win the election at a canter.

"Cameron's getting no more moolah from me. In fact I am thinking of asking for a refund. But I want to keep the peerage."

Am I life enhancer?

Am I fuck.

Cardinal errors

Being someone prone to knee-jerk and misinformed comments I am in a perfect position to defend Cardinal Kasper's comments about arriving in Heathrow being like coming to a third world country. I have been saying this for ages. Even though he wasn't talking about it being a bit grubby and shite looking but about there being too many fuzzy-wuzzies around. Which is somethiong I would not defend and so I wish that once again I had looked at the facts rather than jerking that knee of mine.

I will then move on to slam all these mythical people who have been calling for the Pope's visit to be banned. Even though they haven't. The Pope may be a Catholic but that doesn't make him a bad guy. He may be head of a church with some pretty outdated and reprehensible views but so what? Perhaps he should start a blog so he can explain himself properly.

I'm rather glad I am out of the country for the whole of the Pope's visit otherwise I suspect he would see a side of a blogger which could be very ugly indeed.

I am so radio it hurts

To keep me away from knee-jerk blogging for a few hours every weekday, LBC have offered me a permanent radio slot from 7-10pm so I can knee-jerk off live on air.

I've only ever really had two real ambitions in my life - to be a Member of Parliament (which never happened and I am really over it and never mention it or cry myself to sleep every night asking "whhhhhyyyyyy?") and to have my own radio show. Well, at least now I can say I've had a 50 per cent success rate!

I owe it all to a children's TV presenter. I figured if Timmy Mallet could eke out a career in broadcast media there was hope for anyone.

These political blog award things are a joke

These political blog award things are a joke if they are not run by me and have people shortlisted who I disagree with and dislike. What El Commentariat should do is rig it to enhance its credibility. And hand out badges.

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

What do political bloggers actually do?

At a select committe hearing today Bernard Jenkin asked: "What do political bloggers actually do?" The answer is that while some are hyperactively busy spinning lies and jerking their knee, others do sweet F A other than vent very mild opinions and reportage of facts.

It is a disgrace that we now have 150,456 political bloggers (which I have listed), more than under Labour. I'm sure I remember David Cameron making a promise to reduce their number. I doubt whether anyone would notice any difference.

I detest the BBC

How dare they threaten strike action at a time that will have most impact and thus be more effective. BBC staff are ALL vastly overpaid and earn massive pensions compared to the private sector. I can back this up with stats and evidence and am not just basing it on the word of a handful of people I know or on the figure of the organisation's highest paid worker just to fit my anti-BBC standpoint. Let Sky cover the Tory party conference. Murdoch will have had a say in most of the agenda anyway.

Blogger in predictable use of word dinosaur in relation to leftie unions shock

Apparently the unions are outraged because the government has announced a 40 per cent cut in outdated rhetoric while approving an increase in the budget for lazy dinosaur references. Good. It's not people working and staying in jobs and earning money that will get us out of this mess. It is the private sector. And the main priority of the government should be to create a business climate in which SMEs (such as publishing companies) can thrive and invest so they can exploit workers as they wish without anyone bothering about workers' rights and conditions and all that rubbish.

Bob Crow must be crushed. Another job for Eric Pickles, then.

I invented Ed Miliband

Before my piece on him in GQ a couple of years ago, he didn't even exist.

Friday, 10 September 2010

Joyriding a Ferrari

Why I would repeat an unbelievably insensitive and crass comment made by some radio gobshite is anyone's guess. But then I have previous for comparing high profile public sector figures, who may have been negligent but didn't intend for anyone to be killed, to murderers.

I make up that the Guardian has made it up

Even by my standards I really would look a tit if I accused the Guardian of not checking their facts while at the same time not checking my facts.

That would be muckraking masquerading as serious journalism. And I should know.

Labels: pots, kettles, black

Top Tory blogs

I think you alredy know who came top of this without me even typing it. And I see no danger to the credibility of the whole exercise if the blog of the person compiling and publishing the results does well.

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Have you ever seen a biker on the bog?

Earlier today I pinched Boris' bike and rode round Parliament Square (a sight which was surely far more distasteful than any squatter's camp). I even frightened a Tory MP by shouting out "Fancy a ride? I am after your seat".

Top 100 Labour Bleats

All leftie nonsense. Rubbish. Don't bother reading them.

And I will include ones even if they have said they are boycotting the poll. I will decide who boycotts what round here not them.

Coming next, the top 14,856,456 Tory blogs.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Can we extradite Theresa May?

I am delighted that Theresa May has announced a review of extradition arrangements with other countries, including the USA. It has long been felt that certain aspects of these treaties disadvantage UK citizens. In that foreigners can get their hands on our home-grown rascals. Quite how and why this has happened one can only guess. Or instead of guessing one could examine the legal history of the agreements and try and use facts to underpin an argument rather than knee-jerking. And if I had done this I could once again have jerked off about it being all the EU's fault. Opportunity missed.

Theresa May really is doing very well in her job as Home Secretary. I'd say she is one of the coalition's top 55 performers so far. And I used to hate her. Just shows I can show hubris when it suits. It would be a blow to my newly discovered Machiavell-iain credentials if I attacked her now she has a senior post in a Tory (sort-of) government.

Silly buggers

Next year I will be publishing a book about the history of homosexuality in the Conservative Party. I am looking for suggestions for the title. How about "The Tories: A History of Buggering up Britain"?

PS It could have been worse. I could have suggested Queer Blue Waters.

PS You don't know how much restraint I have had to show to not make a joke out of the author's name (Michael McManus).

Top 75 Liberal Democrat Political Blogs

There will be NO top 75 Liberal Democrat blogs this year. They have all been absorbed by the Tory blogs and had their values changed.

Monday, 6 September 2010

Blair is a big wuss

Sky are reporting that Tony Blair has pulled out of his London book signing because the EU have banned protesters from throwing eggs at him by the dozen.

He has also shown concern over the high cost of policing it. Purlease. What a chickenshit wanker.

By not facing his detractors he has callously deprived me of an opportunity of blogging about how disgraceful it is that security at a vanity book signing event (which us publishers rely on to shift shite at inflated prices just because someone scribbles on a tome) is being funded by the tax payer.

Maggie Thatcher would NEVER have backed down even if common sense showed it was the right thing to do. She didn't do turning.

I can't be Machiavellian. I don't know what it means

Apparently my defence of Coulson is Machiavellian. But I can't be Machiavellian as I don't know what it means. And I will continue to use such ignorance of facts if it aids my tribal party loyalty, so there.

PS Anyway I would be Machiavell-iain, surely

Saturday, 4 September 2010

How do bloggers like me stay in business?

And more importantly, how do PC World stay in business? Because idiots like me still go there despite knowing they are shit.

Still, any more cliche-ridden mildly defamatory nonsense from me about them might well result in them going under as my loyal fans shun them in their billions.

With golden hackneyed prose about acne-ridden teenagers, nerd-geeks etc the non-PC world can easily stay in business. But don't try and make a joke out of me being "buggered if I know".

PS If I do mention Noah's arc, I am of course referring to the rainbow not his boat.

My accusers who say I use hyperbole such as "people who disagree with me should go to hell" just for an eye-catching headline can go to hell

I learnt that advice after accidentally accessing Andy Coulson's phone records. Coulson is so good at his job as a media manager and PR bloke that he has embroiled the government in a scandal about something he did (or didn't) do when he wasn't even working for them. That is how bloody brilliant he is.

I wanted to write a reasoned post that explored the serious allegations about someone now working as Cameron's spin doctor being involved in illegal activities and possible police collusion (or coulsonillusion to give it its proper title) and suggest that perhaps we shouldn't judge someone guilty until they have been proved so(despite my record at doing just the opposite).

But some fucker has hacked into my blog and made me write some quite astonishing stuff based on what my mate Dizzee Fuckwit Rascal reckons. My killer line is "And he [Dizzee Engages Mouth Before He Thinks] takes to task those who refer to hacking and tapping without really knowing what they are talking about..." before I, yes you've guessed it, do just that.

I am really hacked off.

Friday, 3 September 2010

Free speech

I love free speech me. Especially on the internet. And I will refuse to publish the comments of anyone who disagrees with me on this or block them on Twitter.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Guido Fawkes should stop doing my job. Or stick to smearing lefties

I wasn't going to say anything about this for fear of breathing new life into the story, and appearing like a complete pompous hypocrite, but I can't stay silent any longer. I can't help myself. My knee has been twitching like an epeleptic bird watcher.

The campaign against William Hague on the Guido Fawkes blog is nothing short of reprehensible. The lies, smears and innuendo are pathetic. Guido knows fine well that such tittle-tattle masquerading as a journalistic scoop is my job.

The petty and spiteful vilification of Hague by bloggers and newspapers who should know better should stop now, before it gets out of hand. After all such things should only be reserved for lefties.

Top Libertarian, Green, Welsh, Northern Irish political blogs

1) How to grow untaxed organic Wikileeks in Portrush

Would you like to pay for a piss-up I am organising to make myself look good?

At last year's Conservative Party Conference I held a party for my blogreaders. I am doing the same this year because I am a nice bloke. No expense spared from me. Especially if I can get someone else to pay for it.

I've booked a walking-talking German Aryan stereotype I met in Edinburgh to add a bit of comedy.

In no way should any rumours start that just because I speak German and fancy myself as a bit of a wag (I still chuckle at my comment about Stephen Round the other week), I am in some way using this opportunity to launch a career in showbiz.

Personalised plates

I am sure it was done with the best of intentions but a reader recently emailed me details of an eBay auction for a plate, which he seemed to think I might be interested in buying to serve my dinner on (jerked chicken, naturally).

I may come from Essex but I do possess a modicum of taste. For instance I would never make a sweeping statement that in one fell stroke slurred most people in my home county while elevating myself as being better than them. But I am also so bloody impulsive that before I knew what I was doing I was on eBay bidding for it. It has now arrived in the post and looks a bit grubby but I will get my new personal assistant (Scott Parker who I bought from West Ham on transfer deadline day) to give it a scrub later.

Oh and don't bother sending me any details of personalised number plates that are on sale. I am already perfectly happy with the one I have:


Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Is there life in the political memoir?

There had bloody well better be. Publishers like me rely on repackaged lies.

I can generate emotion

This morning I had the huge honour of interviewing Dickie Bird on LBC. I thought he would be a good person to talk to about this terrible betting scandal that has hit the headlines over the last two days. But by the time I had reduced the poor old sentimental bugger to tears it was clear that he ha nothing sensible to say (indeed not a dickie bird) on the subject. Great radio of course and a triumph once again for raw emotional reaction over rational, detached, informed and helpful analysis.

Another emotional interview I did took place yesterday when I spoke to a 97 year old veteran from the Battle of Britain who was shot down over the English Channel but he still had to talk to me as he obviously hadn't suffered enough. I don't mind letting on that my eyes were moist as I was interviewing him but then peeling onions always has that effect.

Ooooh, and now that I have proven I am human, right after a piece about a war hero might be just the place to throw in a cheeky plug for another clip from my late, lamented (by me) LBC evening show. It really is all about me.

Monday, 30 August 2010

How not to get a decent job

Remember I advertised for an Executive Assistant last week? Some muppet has only gone and applied and sent in a CV and everything.

If they want a serious job in politics and media they may as well send their CV to ex-Dundee United footballer Davie Dodds.

I think it is safe to say that he won't be getting an interview...anyone who wants the job that badly is automatically disqualified on grounds of delusion.

Getting rid of pointless clutter

I didn't think it possible for me to get my nose any further up Eric Pickles' not inconsiderable arse, but I've managed it. One of my pet bugbears (don't you dare put my pet bugbears in a bin or I will send you to the electric chair) is pointless clutter, by which I mean superflouous (sic - spellchecking is merely a superfluous activity when jerking a knee quickly to get a blog post out) politicians. If as is reported Eric decides to quit his ministerial role before he causes any more damage it will not only save space in the CLG offices but cut down on the clutter of nonsense he comes out with.

All power to his not inconsiderable elbow. Or is it his arse again? I have been very good at telling the two apart.

The past week in five jerks of the knee

1) I would hang people who are cruel to animals. No, honestly, I would.

2) I will attack the Guardian for having the nerve to rehash old news as a hot topic - and also sanctimoniously point out that the piece about IFS and the budget was angled to suit their leftie agenda (I would never ever manipulate facts to meet an agenda), because doing so suits my agenda. Then I will do exactly the same thing myself a few days later with a post about the Andrew Symeou case which has been in Private Eye and elsewhere for bloody ages but which I somehow missed despite being Westminster's early warning siren and generally first with the news. I will then react with a better late than never knee jerk and ignore any legal considerations surrounding the case and call on Theresa May to ring up the Greeks and sort it out pronto.

3) I have NOT met Cameron's baby. OK? It was nothing to do with me.

4) I wasn't very funny on Any Questions. Or intelligent. But I did stare at one of the questioners.

5) Other people are much better at attacking lefties than I am by using evidence and shit to make a case (however tribal) so I will outsource leftie bashing to them by linking to their blog rather than bothering to write anything myself.

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Break from blogging

Sorry, loyal fans but I will be giving the blog a rest for a week or so.

This is because (pick one or more from following list):

a) I am preparing for our upcoming office move.

b) My Doctor has ordered me to rest my knee which is in pieces because of being over-jerked. I will need an operation to replace my knee-cap for the 34th time soon. Sometimes I jerk so hard that my patella shatters and bits end up embedded in the wall. I once killed a budgie this way. And when I disagreed with a offside decision at Upton Park once I took out the Villa number 9.

c) I feel bereft and sad as my LBC show has come to an end though I am angling for repeat business and have even set up a Facebook page "Iain Fale is more of a legend than Raoul Moat" to garner support.

d) I am spending some time testing out personal assistants following my job ad. I am sure some lefties have tried to weasel there way in to bring down my empire from the inside. But when it comes to being knee-jerked off I prefer right handers.

e) The hidden driving influence behind my existence is going on holiday (and I don't mean Lord Ashcroft).

Spreading rumours about rumour-mongering

So this bloke said to me in the pub that he heard form his Aunt that Ed Miliband said such and such about Charles Kennedy defecating all over Labour.

Thing is, Miliband has denied encouraging rumours and is rumoured to have blamed the overexcited blogosphere for spreading rumours which is a bit rich. Never been my sort of thing.

Anyway I heard that according to Andy Burnham, it was David Miliband who started the rumour about Ed Miliband being behind the rumours about Kennedy.

And it was Charlie Whelan who told me that. Go figure.

I am a pot and Kevin Maguire is a black kettle

Kevin Maguire is a typical well-paid leftie journalist (who fills in for me 48 weeks a year on the Spectator) who calls Labour supporters cretins.

I have looked up cretin on Wikipedia (which counts as in-depth research for me) as I thought it was something you served in soup. Apparently it isn't a very nice term.

Charming. Doesn't he know that "sack of shit" is the accepted term of abuse.
I can only imagine what Maguire would say if Cameron called a Labour MP a cretin. Though quite how that is comparable I don't know. Cameron is Prime Minister of who certain standards are expected while Maguire is only a political commentator/journalist. But we all know how inflated their sense of importance is.

New World record for blog post mistakes

I set a new World record for knee-jerk inaccuracy in blogging yesterday with my post on the worst MP of the new intake. In the original post I got the year wrong, spelt Yasmin Qureshi's name wrong, falsely attributed something someone else had done to her and then found out that the story was wrong anyway.

I have published her response in an amended original post to clarify things but of course the damage has been done now as many people will have read the original post and may never see the revised version. Perhaps I should write a completely new post to clear things up? No, won't bother as it might make me look stupid. I'll just blithely say that "perhaps" I shouldn't believe everything I read in the papers. Sounds obvious but hasn't stopped me being caught out countless times before.

Friday, 20 August 2010

I could have been a contender for worst MP of the 2005 intake

With all due respect to Yasmin Quereshi and her bumbling incompetence, we all know that if I had got elected in 2005 I would easily have scooped the award of worst MP from that intake. Not that I wanted to be an MP.

Job advert: Personal assistant to Iain Fale

Iain Fale is a busy man. He is constantly milking his public profile, publishes Total Pollution magazine, writes a blog, churns out books on politics and shit and crops up in the media loads. And he needs a personal assistant to help knee-jerk him off!

This role would be ideal for a recent graduate who is deluded enough to think it is a proper job in politics or the media. You will serve as Iain’s eyes and ears and mouth and nose as well as his head, shoulders, knees and toes, providing Iain with relevant information in a wide range of areas (which he will ignore if it doesn't fit his agenda), acting as a gatekeeper (blocking people on Twitter, ignoring criticism), researching issues ahead of media appearances (apparently fact checking is important but Iain has never bothered before), drafting articles (ie. writing them for him), and from time to time, mind-reading (but Iain won't tell you when these times are)!

The successful candidate would act as Iain’s ambassador in his absence, representing Iain with confidence, courtesy (NOTE: check definition of this word) and accuracy (and this one).

The Responsibilities:

• Loads of shit boring admin stuff

Skills and Qualifications:

• Not a leftie


You must be exceptionally well presented (Top Shop do nice clothes), with a consistently professional demeanour. You must be assertive, and prepared to stand your ground when appropriate even if you have been proved to be be wrong. You will have a strong interest in British politics but an excellent knowledge of the subject is a no-no - Iain doesn't want anyone showing him up.

Apply to Iain Fale directly by emailing your CV, a covering letter and a 250-500 word critique of Iain’s political blog (one word summaries saying "shite" will be binned).

Closing Date: 1 September

Salary: You must be joking. You should be pleased and honoured to do this

Blogger massages facts to create sensationalist headline

This comes under the category 'you couldn't make it up'. But I am going to try anyway. A leftie council is to spend nearly £10,000 on ‘learning days’ for councillors throughout 20010/11.

The learning days will involve councillors gaining free access to a host of activities that will enable them to be more effective at their jobs. However, I will highlight hand massages in my headline to try and imply that all the money is going on them.

There is a session on how councillors can learn to tweet (waste of time but I am happy to offer advice. Block anyone you don't agree with or call them a sack of shit) and also further advice sessions on managing blood pressure WHICH MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL.

Why all this money is being spent to help local authorities be more efficient and save money is beyond me.

Me on the telly

Did anyone see me on Sky News Press Review the other night? I completely owned that Sally Bercow bint. My knee was jerking so furiously that I hypnotised her. I was on imperious form managing to slag off Malta for no good reason and then astonishingly comparing Sir Philip Green's questionable tax arrangements with an ISA. I also decided that drugs are to blame for most things but my coup de fucking grace was attacking a newspaper for not citing its sources on a story. You'd would never catch me on that one eh?

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Who will replace Pearson as UKIP leader?

Today I will be giving a disproportionate amount of attention to a minority and frankly ridiculous political party and speculate as to who their new leader might be. Perhaps I should do it, if I can fit it in what with my media commitments. From what I can see the requirements include making illogical comments, flying in the face of the facts and not liking Europe. They may even let me stand to become an MP. Not that I want that.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Getting annoyed when people wrongly say you are wrong is NOT a right

Oh woe is me, I have been mis-interpreted over a perfectly sensible suggestion I made about people planning to have children only if they can feed the poor little sod and so will have a hissy fit and remember all of the times when the boot has been on the other foot, the foot being mine and the boot being directed at the head of innocent targets as my leg operates of his own accord following an uncontrollable jerk of the knee, and I will recall fondly how at such times I dealt with justifiable criticism either through ignoring it, attacking it without any basis or resorting to personal insult and I shall consider the irony and declare it delicious.

Using isolated examples to point out the madness of the benefits system

I will use my usual rule of thumb here that you can believe absolutely everything you read in the papers as long as it fits your own agenda (even if it is in the News of the World) and once again extrapolate one clearly extreme and, yes, frankly disgraceful example of a family milking the benefits system like a political blogger/commentator with a profile to exploit, to imply that this is happening everywhere as a way of attacking a system of benefits I don't agree with.

Why gaps in logic matter

Some University bod has advised 18 year olds not to go on gap years but instead concentrate on getting work experience and extra training which is balls as I spent my gap year working in Germany and gaining greater fluency in the language before I started a degree in German or to put it another way I spent my gap year getting work experience and extra training which is what the University bod was suggesting might be useful so I have rather tied my own argument against her up in a logical knot.

Fancy a bit of cheap innuendo in a blog?

In a textbook example of sensationalist blogging I will highlight an isolated example from a story in a national newspaper (unchecked) to make a general innuendo in more ways than one that the taxpayer is paying for loads of disabled people to shag prostitutes willy-nilly when surely it is the State who should be screwing disabled people (who probably aren't even all disabled anyway) by reducing the amount of money they get unless they spend it on wholesome pursuits like political books or buying blog post subscriptions from Amazon and anyway why can't they just knee-jerk off like all us other frustrated and limited individuals have to?

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Then they came for Jackie Milburn

First they came for Frank Field. They appointed him "Poverty Czar" (because of his considerable experience of working in this area). I didn't jerk my knee.

Then they came for Will Hutton. They appointed him "Work Czar" (because of his considerable experience of working in this area). I didn't jerk my knee.

Then they came for John Hutton. They appointed him "Pensions Czar" (because of his considerable experience of working in this area). I didn't jerk my knee.

Then they came for Jackie Milburn. They appointed him "Geordie Football Czar (until they realised he was dead).

Today they came for Alan Milburn. They are about to appoint him "Social mobility Czar" (because of his considerable experience of working in this area). An ex-Labour MP advising the ruling elite on social mobility means we have truly reached the point of government by satire.

Ignoring for a moment whether Czar is an appropriate label in the first place what with its historical link to the rich suppressing the poor who then rise up and overthrow them and commence a long-term real life failed experiment in implementing a dangerous equality based but ultimately flawed doctrine, now, I'm going to jerk my knee.

I am going to retrench to my typical tribal instinct and say that it is far more important that the government seeks advice from Conservatives who will be loyal and tell them what they want to hear than from someone who has a dangerous amount of expertise on a subject that might undermine any pre-conceived party political standpoint.

In all seriousness, the implication of these appointments is that there are no Conservatives with the capability or talent to carry out these roles. Because their aren't. Where will it end? Next we'll be entering into some sort of coalition government with a party who hold different views on key policy and we'll try and muddle along and not fall out and pretend to form policy based on the best interests of the country rather than some deep rooted ideological whim.

A final thought? Perhaps they should go the whole hog and appoint me as a "Knee jerk blogging Czar"...or a Czar Czar to oversee all of these other Czars. They could call me Czar Czar Abhor.

Redesigning my blog

OK, I have made a decision. I am going have a complete redesign of the blog. Basically the content will be the same old shite. But it will look nicer. I believe the technical term is "polishing a turd".

UPDATE: Did I say blog? I meant log.

Unhappy Hammers

Terrible start for West Ham. But I don't blame the current management. I blame the last lot. The legacy they left was so bad that the current bosses have had to make savage ideological team policy decisions and player cuts under the pretence of economic necessity.

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Jobsworth madness from knee-jerk blogger

When you prepare for a phone-in programme (on LBC - which I apparently have a little-mentioned show on) the nightmare scenario in the back of your mind is that people will phone in and talk sense, point out facts and generally ruin the fun of opinionated ill-informed populist knee jerk discussion. When my producer Matt suggested we should cover the story about Westminster City Council taking Addison Lee to court to ban them from putting their company name on those cigarette bins you find on walls outside pubs and club, I thought he was having a laugh.

In essence, Westminster are trying to allege that they contravene planning regulations. Because they do.

You'd have thought they would welcome them as something which helps keep Westminster's streets clean and tidy. But on the contrary. I suspect this is some idiot jobsworth who delights in quoting some obscure piece of planning law. I haven't actually checked this as my blog requires me to be an idiot jobsworth who delights in quoting opinion as fact and blithely repeating unsubstantiated information to make a point.

They maintain (presumably because it is the correct figure) that it only applies to 7 bins in a conservation area in Marylebone, but just watch them try to ban all 16,000 of the bins. When I say 16,000 I should point out that if I had read up on the story properly I would know that is the figure of bins across London and so not all are even under the control of Westminster to ban. But then a knee jerk reaction to adverts being banned on 7 bins in strict accordance with rules on advertising in conservation areas might seem a little extreme even for me so I'll try and infer that it applies to far more to really get people steamed up.

Unless the bins used to be in Westminster and this is another example of Westminster Council successfully removing and dumping inconvenient items into other boroughs. After all, it is an area they have previous in. Dame Shirley Porter would be proud.

Blogger not fit for opposition to opposition

So my response to the response of Labour to Sir Philip Green's appointment to lead a review of government spending is to say they are not fit for the role of opposition because they say he's not fit for the role because his wife lives in Monaco.

What a joke I have become. It seems not only am I unfit to govern a worthwhile opinion, I haven't a clue how to be in opposition to the opposition either other than the usual knee-jerk tribal playground politics blathering.

Sir Philip Green is one of our most successful business leaders. His Top Shop clothes are smashing. The fact that he avoids paying a large wedge of tax on the profits of his succesful business by handily allowing his wife, domiciled in Monaco, to own a chunk of it is neither here nor there.

That doesn't mean appointing him to advise on waste and savings is in anyway inappropriate. In many ways he has proved to be the expert in this area by saving himself and the missus a tidy sum at the expense of the people he is now going to advise. If he was himself domiciled overseas, say in Belize for instance, he would be even more suitable.

Rumours that in a first step to reducing waste and ineffciency Eric Pickles is being relocated to Monaco have yet to be confirmed.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Another pointless blog post about pointless public sector jobs

Another day, another pointless job in the public sector is advertised. Jesus, how are we supposed to compeltely lay waste to employment in the public sector if people keep recruiting to positions there?


The only jobs that should be advertised are for sales and marketing positions in publishing firms. Things for which society has a real need.

An ideological political critique of modern mirth

There was an Englishman, Scotchman (sic) and an Irishman. The Englishman was sick of paying tax for stuff for the Scotchman and the Irishman.

Wait there's more.

Have you heard the one about the right wing comic? And I don't mean the Daily Mail.

No please, don't go, carry on reading, once you have cleared up the piss you involuntarily just expelled. Put on your corset to stop your sides splitting and kick back and relax.

Ed West writes about a right wing stand up comedian who is appearing at the Edinburgh Festival this year. His name is Tom Greeves. Ed makes a very good point that most comics seem to be from the left. Yes the right has a fine comic tradition headed by the mighty Jim Davidson but most popular comedians at the minute seem to be lefties.

I have never understood this because I have always felt that while the left can be incredibly po-faced at times, right wingers find it much easier to laugh at themselves because they don't take themselves so seriously.

Yep, that's right. Left wingers are po-faced what with them worrying about their crackpot schemes to cure society's ills and help the poor and things. Lighten up guys! Us right wingers don't take ourselves seriously. So why the fuck should we expect anyone else to?

I can find left wing humour funny, even if it is based around insulting people I respect. Insults (such as sack of shit) are a very sophisticated form of humour after all. So I am off to Edinburgh to do my own show. Based on my Dairy and milking my profile it will be called Beyond the Fridge.

I have previous with this comedy thing you know. Did you see the joke I cracked when chairing a panel with Stephen Round last week? And my efforts to become an MP have been so risible that I was laughed out by both the electorate and the Tory party.

Oh, and my so bad it's funny radio show is still on LBC. I'm here all week. And next week.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Pickles just keeps on growing

Some bint has an intriguing article in today's Times called 'Growers & Shrinkers'. She analyses various Cabinet members and analyses whether they have grown in office. (I am trying very hard not to get all Carry On over that last sentence, but honestly matron. Members? Grown? Oooooohhhhhhh).

She reckons that Cameron has grown increasingly embarrassing, especially with regards to foreign policy, while Clegg has shrunk, cowering in the corner, having sold his party down a bloody big river. Osborne is a grower (bullshit feeds the thriving rose bush) and Cable has shrunk through sheer embarrassment.

But her article is beset by one problem - she doesn't agree with me and misses out my own favourites. Why no mention of Michael Gove? He has grown into the ultimate figure of satire. And most important of all, why no mentions of Eric Pickles and Theresa May, in my book the two most impressive Cabinet Ministers by far in the coalition government.

Eric Pickles has gripped his department in a way no other Cabinet Minister has (like a piping hot meat pie dripping with gravy), and achieved huge amounts in the first 100 days. And when I say achieved I mean devoured. No one has grown like Pickles and no one will continue to grow at the rate he troughs. Theresa May has also shown great initiative at the Home Office and her nose will surely start growing when her team has to further distort the truth about immigration and crime above current levels of credibility.

UPDATE You won't fucking believe this. By not reading the whole article before commenting on it I now realise that Gove and May are indeed mentioned. When will I learn? Pickles was also mentioned but had already eaten the paragraph by the time I saw it. Helpfully, he also ate the portion of humble pie I had been served and the words I should really be made to eat myself. Still, I will at least apologise this time!

Memo to Sky News

I. Couldn't. Give. A. Toss. About. Naomi. Bloody. Campbell. Or. Mia. Sodding. Farrow. Or. The. Effing. Diamonds.

A. Story. About. War. Crimes. And. Blood. Diamonds. And. Innocent. People. (Foreigners). Dying. Abroad. Holds. No. Interest. For. Me.

It. Is. Not. Important. That. Someone. Has. Potentially. Lied. Under. Cross. Examination. (A. Neat. Interview. Trick.) In. A. Case. Involving. Establishing. The. Guilt. Of. An. Alleged. Murdering. Warlord. Accused. of. Using. Diamonds. To. Fund. The. Arming. Of. Rebel. Soldiers. (Some. Of. Them. Children.) Complicit. In. The. Torture. Of. Innocent. People. (Foreigners.)

People. Are. Far. More. Interested. In. Stories. About. What. People. May. Or. May. Not. Have. Said. In. A. Lift. And. Only. Take. Notice. Of. So. Called. Celebrities. If. They. Are. Minor. Political. Ones.

They. Are. Not. Interested. In. Models. And. Actresses.


Would it be hypocritical of me to ask that someone caught telling a lie apologise?

I am actually going to make a sensible point here about the counter-effectiveness of lobby groups who simply bombard MPs with cloned campaign literature. I will suggest that 38 Degrees have acted idiotically with regards to newbie wet behind the ears Tory good guy innocent Dominic Raab, as well as dishonestly with the way they have spun the story to suggest that Raab does not want constituents to contact him.

I can't resist making the point that 38 Degrees are a lefty group, as if in some way it makes a difference, but generally I make a strong argument and present readers with emails from both sides of the story for balance so they can make up their own minds. If only I could do this more often.

Raab has acted somewhat naively in this episode, however, by asking for his email to be removed from the Houses of Parliament website. If he wanted any advice on how to block avenues of potential criticism or accountability to his constituents he should have asked me. I am the expert. And if I had have become an MP (not that I ever wanted to you understand) I would have handled this whole situation much more adroitly.

UPDATE: I was on LBC last night (did I mention my LBC blatherfest?) and I interviewed both Dominic Raab and the Executive Director of 38 Degrees, David Babb. Or was it Rabb and Baab? Mr Babb rather took the wind out of my sails when he maintained that the emails to Raab were all different and not cloned. A neat interview trick, that. It's also totally untrue. Raab texted me later to say that every email he had received via the 38 Degrees website was identical.

So let us summarise here. One says one thing, one says the other and without seeing the evidence I believe Raab because it suits my argument. He may well be telling the truth but by taking his side, on his word, against the word of someone else I don't like (a lefty) I have somewhat undermined the balance I tried to show above. Result.

Perhaps Mr Babb would like to get in touch to apologise for, no doubt unintentionally, telling an outright fib. After all, we all know damn well that is exactly what I would do in such a position.

Sunday, 8 August 2010


I love milking my presence as you know. And just in case my spoofer, Iain Dale, decides to get clever and pre-empt any views I may have on free milk for under fives, I will pre-empt his pre-empt. Or "pre-empty headed nonsense" to give it its full official, full fat creamy title.

So freshly churned from my dairy, I offer this.

It is a disgrace what has happened. Free milk for the poor? What would Geraldine Dreadfully Unfunny Piss Poor Offensive Satire say about that? Next people will be wanting handouts of the milk of human kindness, which is in low supply round these parts. Therefore for Cameron to come out in such a populist, possibly contrived, way as the defender of free milk is appalling.

Does he not realise what he has done?

By denying the eagle-eyed critical observers of the coalition a chance to make any "milk snatcher" analogies" he has snatched away a basic right.

Leftie wags everywhere were frantically searching in vain for a rhyme for Cameron that would define him as indelibly during the early days of his reign as much as snatcher did Thatcher.

But no.

Satirists have had milk snatcher joke opportunities cruelly snatched away by heartless Cameron, damn moron.

They ponder how Milton and Willetts would have faired in any parodic cheese making. But what's the use, the chance has gone. No use crying over Spillets/Spilton milk.

Milton particularly would have been a prime target. But sadly, thanks to Cameron doing the right thing, for whatever reason, Pasteurised Lost jokes have been denied their oxygen.

PS The way this all came out (unconjoined up government? Policy on the (cloven) hoof?) was NOT a gaffe. I am fed up of hearing about gaffes. Why is there this need to point out mistakes? Don't people know only I am allowed to do that about lefties? Next clever sacks of shit (official term for dissenters) will think they can pick me up on any factual inacucracy (sic) I make. Then I will really be in the cowshit.

Two stats to get some attention

Two statistics I discovered or was told this week...

1. One in three bloggers are happy to throw around stats that may not be correct and make no attempt to verify the truth of them.

2. Ten per cent of people aged between 18 and 29 admit to driving a car while under the influence of illegal drugs. Clearly we need more speed cameras. And coke, hash and heroin cameras too.

Tories non fresh start

It comes as little surprise that Jack Straw is to quit the Labour front bench next month, and it is damning indeed that there are so few shadow cabinet candidates who won't have been tainted with the shitty Brown stain. It would be laughable if MPs associated with underperforming governments and opposition of the past were to hold positions of power again wouldn't it and thankfully the Tories have avoided leaning on such past-it figures as Kenneth Clarke and William Hague.

Friday, 6 August 2010

An outbreak of sanity

By proclaiming that the idea of combining a council's leadership role with that of chief executive to save cash is bonkers I am dangerously close to speaking sense. Eric Pickles may be comfortable with the principle of one individual occupying the space of two people but this suggestion is clearly unworkable. Where will it end? Will the chief executive end up cleaning the offices? Collecting people's rubbish for them? Actually, I hear Pickles has already promised to cut back on waste collections by going round and eating up people's left overs himself so perhaps this is just the first in raft of lunatic austerity measures.

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Shooting from the lip

I think it is refreshing that Cameron gives direct answers when he is asked questions. And his advisers must love having to speedily clarify the mess and muddle that his shooting from the lip leaves in its wake. Hastily forming policy and opinion on the hoof is a good thing. Cameron should write a blog where he can really jerk his knee. It would also give him a wider audience with which to further his attempts to make Britain stand proud, alone on a global stage with his crazy mix of blunt, undiplomatic speaking and ignorance of foreign policy facts.

Want to Become a Gobby Journalist (Only shortsighted bloggers need apply)

The Parliamentary Press Gallery has launched a scheme by which they will admit non political journalists to the press gallery... but only if they happen to be from a black or minority ethnic background. (Happen to be from? Just because they are fortunate enough to be born into a disadvantaged group of society, the lucky bastards, they get all the breaks when people try and restore balance).

It has to be said that the lobby and press gallery are not exactly overflowing with journalists whose skin is anything other than pinkish white and it is to their credit that they are trying to do something about it. But is this the way to go forward? There's something deeply tokenistic about the way I say it is to their credit that they are trying to do something about it. Is this the way forward?

What about other minorities? Would it be a good thing to encourage more blind people to become political journalists? There is clearly a need for more folk who are shortsighted, fail to see the whole picture, are blind in their faith and partisan loyalty, myopic with regards to facts and turn a blind eye to criticism if it suits.

I won't suggest there should be a scheme for gay journalists, as they are already disproportionately represented by the pinkish whites I mention above...

I am pure comedy gold

I spent an hour this afternoon chairing a Question Time panel for the British Youth Council conference. Taking part were Stephen Pound and some other old farts trying to get down with the kids. About 180 16-18 year olds were attending, and a feisty lot they were too with their youthful exuberance and their attitude and their hoodies and their alcopops and their knives and their drugs and their opinions and their stereotypes.

To appeal to their sixth form sense of humour I cracked a risque joke. I am a fucking comedy legend. People were pissing themselves. I find this often happens when I open my mouth these days.

But maybe you had to be there...though I bet you're please you weren't.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Churning it out

I have been that busy in my dairy, milking my media profile and not plugging my LBC radio show that I have forgotten to blog. But if I had have been churning out sour cream over the last few days I might well have made the following observations.

They should rip IDS up and start again.

John Prescott will be judged by history as a big bloke. At the Iraq inquiry he gave some withering insights into the way that government conducted its lunches. At times I wondered if he realised quite what he was saying. He seemed almost detached from the decision to go to Greggs, almost as if he felt that he ought to leave it to his intellectual superiors - which was very unlike him.

When I interviewed Matthew Parris, he made up some cock and bull story about swimming across the Thames to impress me, and to make his column in the Times more interesting.

It is quite alright for people to take the law into their own hands and go round slitting people's throats if they don't like them.

Jacqui Smith told me to fuck off. She needs to go to the Iain Dale Charm School. The cheek. She should have just called me a sack of shit. No need to be rude. I was only being nosey.

We should force the unemployed to work in the sex industry or stop their benefits. And have more male lapdancing clubs.

And finally, two of these ridiculous popularity polls have produced some laughable results. For example, apparently I am not as gay as I was last year. And apparently some people don't think Gordon Brown was as shit a PM as they should. Honestly, these polls are fine for a bit of fun debate but shouldn't be taken seriously if I don't agree with the results. Unless it is one for political blogs of course. Cos that one is mine. No point voting now, the poll is closed and I am busy sifting out ones I don't like.

Right, I think I am up to date now.

Oh, by the way, I am on LBC again evenings all this week. But that is not a plug.

Thursday, 29 July 2010

I want you to humiliate me

I am bored of doing it myself.

Is six months really the right sentence? No, but six weeks is

Twenty three year old Gavin Reid was today jailed for six weeks for using Sayeeda Warsi as an aid to making an omlette.

With the usual caveat of admitting I was not in court to hear the proceedings, I will still have my say. On the face of it, (as in where the egg aimed at Warsi ended up) this is exactly the kind of short prison sentence which shouldn't happen and leaves our criminal justice system with egg on its cliche.

For all I know he may have 'previous' (I won't bother checking even if it might make a difference to the circumstances of sentencing) but if not he may well emerge from prison in six weeks (or even three) as a hardened criminal or with a drug habit. Because you can't even walk past a prison these days without becoming hooked on heroin you know.

All I can say is that it is a good job he didn't throw a dozen eggs or those crazy bureaucrats in Brussels would have had something to say about it as well.

UPDATE: The original version of this post had the sentence at six months. Apologies for the error. I could just leave it there but no, I will use the mistake as a way of trying to strengthen my argument and suggest that the fact the sentence is six weeks actually makes the wider point of this post even more relevant. Even if it makes my comment about emerging from prison a hardened criminal with a drug habit seem even more ridiculous.

No more ASBOs

I think Theresa May is second only to Eric Pickles in hitting the ground running. Let us just ponder that image for a minute. Pickles sprinting along like an athlete in his prime, potholes appearing in his wake, with May struggling to match his speed and grace, tripping over her ridiculous shoes.

I can't say I agree with all the myriad of initiatives that have emerged from the Home Office, but the level of activity displayed by her and her team is impressive. After all the true measure of achievement is quantity not quality. The more shite you can churn out the better. Nothing beats jerking the knee as quickly as possible and making policy decisions instead of thinking things through properly.

Yesterday May signalled the death knell for ASBOs by announcing a review into their operation and effectiveness. The fact that more than half of those who get an ASBO have then gone on to serve custodial sentences should tell us all we need to know. Firstly that some people are naughty and won't learn their lesson. Secondly that nearly half of those who got an ASBO did not go onto serve custodial sentences. It all depends on how you interpret the statistics to fit your pre-formed opinion as usual.

Anyway I am delighted. Finally I will be able to annoy my neighbours by playing my Roxette LPs loud all night without getting a ridiculous badge of honour. Theresa May? You've got the look.

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Cameron, you nob

Having read Dave's speech from yesterday I have to say all of the Arab lovers in the Foreign office (cos they virtually all love Arabs you know) will be well chuffed. Jesus, the Middle East situation is delicate to say the least and Dave goes wading in with his size ten brogues. At least he then pissed off the French and the Germans as well so not all bad.

It was an undiplomatic speech. I rather like politicians who engage in undiplomatic language, mouthing off opinions withot considering the consequences and this isn't the first time Cameron has gone down that path. As the UK's representative on the global stage it is quite appropriate to be undiplomatic and make us look like arseholes. But I prefer it when he does it on issues where I can agree with him!

Not plugging my LBC show (which is on tonight at 7.15. Please listen)

As I said, I won't be plugging my LBC show on my blog. But I really gave David Miliband a tough time on the show I am not plugging last night by asking him "if Clegg and Cameron are Brokeback Mountain, which film are you and your brother, Ed?"

He went mad and threatened to tear me a new arsehole. Good job we had a GP handy to dispense medical advice on anal fissures. I suggested anything written by The Brothers Grimm which he thought was "very cruel". He then said "It certainly wouldn't be the Blues Brothers you Tory wanker".

Incidentally, we had a cracking programme last night, but I would say that and am not plugging it in any case

I'm back on LBC at 7.15 until 10pm this evening! But that is not a plug.

UPDATE: I love this comment from a reader called Fat Councillor...(think it is a pseudonym for Eric Pickles)

I think I am going to have to listen tonight. What other program offers David Miliband and an arsehole in the same programme?

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Parish notice: Friendly fire

I've had a number of complaints from users that this blog is almost impossible to read without it inducing disbelief and even mild anger. Therefore I have just agreed a deal with Andrew Young (@andrew261168 on Twitter) to make the blog much more friendly.

It's going to cost me a great deal of suppressed, pent-up rage to provide this service, so I need to know from those of you who read this blog if you want this. I have 14 days to decide whether to continue or not.

The one drawback is that I won't be able to call people things like a "sack of shit" in the comments using the feature.

What should we do with the Olympic stadium?

No matter what your opinion on the Olympics, the real concern is what we'll be left with once all those foreigners go home.

[Insert several fairly sensible paragraphs on the legacy of the games, mass participation sporting involvement, community empowerment with vague Big Society reference, regeneration etc, add a few digs about Labour stuffing up as usual then as an afterthought get to what is really the main concern despite lip service being paid to the preceding issues]

Whatever the legacy of the games, just make sure West Ham end up with the bloody stadium. We won't break it, honestly. We won't even half fill it.

Monday, 26 July 2010

How to spend your weekday evenings for the next month

Anywhere but Listening to Boring Crap (LBC). Tonight I start a month long stint on LBC, presenting the weeknight programme from 7.15 to 10pm. I won't be banging on about the programme on the blog, apart from the great big fuck off banner advertising the show that you can't escape from. You don't have to live in London to listen to LBC - in fact you don't even have to have a life - indeed that might help.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Ending the war on the motorist. Well, the ones who repeatedly break the law anyway.

The Sunday Times splash is that the government is to abolish all speed cameras. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

Speed cameras are nothing but a tax on irresponsible motorists who break the law. The Sunday Times piece pointed out that a "prominent road safety campaigner said that the effects could be disastrous". But we'll ignore that bit.

Don't get me wrong, I am not against all speed cameras, just the ones that catch me out. They have now profilerated (I assume I mean proliferated - or do I mean profile rated?) out of control. People know they are there about but still break the law. Honestly. It is downright sneaky. What sort of a country are we living in if you can't break the law without someone fining you?

I have nine points on my licence. Each of the three tickets was because I was driving over the limit in the early hours of the morning. Yes, I broke the law (not once but three about learning my lesson), so yes I was quite entitled to be fined. So why am I complaining? Because I now have two years of sweating over getting another one which would mean I would lose my automatically licence. (Or I could just obey the fucking speed limit and then I wouldn't have to worry). All for straying lightly over the limit at 2am or 3am. That's not justice. Yes, that's right, breaking the law and getting caught is not justice.

I wonder if I would apply the same logic if someone was caught lightly over the drink drive limit at 2am even if there were no pedestrians or other cars around?

Last year Swindon removed all its speed cameras and according to reports (won't bother citing where these reports appeared, a vague throwaway unverifiable comment should suffice for my argument here) accidents have not increased. Though when we start holding Swindon up as a touchstone for how we should live we are properly screwed.

Last year, as a result of the ticket in Brixton, I went on a speed awareness course. They teach you all about the difference between driving at 30mph and 40mph if you hit a pedestrian. It had quite an impact on me and the other participants on the course. Which is an unfortunate turn of phrase when you think about it.

So to conclude, actually, speed cameras in these situations are fine. Just not in others. Did you follow the logical flow of my argument through this? Or was I jerking my knee too quickly for it make sense? If I was, I was only lightly over the limit...

Basically, my views are the classic summary of a view held by a lot of people who consider themselves upstanding, honest citizens, who abhor crime levels, yet seem to think that speeding offences are somehow different. I may be a hypocrite in this subject but at least I am a representative one.