Is there life in the political memoir?

There had bloody well better be. Publishers like me rely on repackaged lies.

I can generate emotion

This morning I had the huge honour of interviewing Dickie Bird on LBC. I thought he would be a good person to talk to about this terrible betting scandal that has hit the headlines over the last two days. But by the time I had reduced the poor old sentimental bugger to tears it was clear that he ha nothing sensible to say (indeed not a dickie bird) on the subject. Great radio of course and a triumph once again for raw emotional reaction over rational, detached, informed and helpful analysis.

Another emotional interview I did took place yesterday when I spoke to a 97 year old veteran from the Battle of Britain who was shot down over the English Channel but he still had to talk to me as he obviously hadn't suffered enough. I don't mind letting on that my eyes were moist as I was interviewing him but then peeling onions always has that effect.

Ooooh, and now that I have proven I am human, right after a piece about a war hero might be just the place to throw in a cheeky plug for another clip from my late, lamented (by me) LBC evening show. It really is all about me.

How not to get a decent job

Remember I advertised for an Executive Assistant last week? Some muppet has only gone and applied and sent in a CV and everything.

If they want a serious job in politics and media they may as well send their CV to ex-Dundee United footballer Davie Dodds.

I think it is safe to say that he won't be getting an interview...anyone who wants the job that badly is automatically disqualified on grounds of delusion.

Getting rid of pointless clutter

I didn't think it possible for me to get my nose any further up Eric Pickles' not inconsiderable arse, but I've managed it. One of my pet bugbears (don't you dare put my pet bugbears in a bin or I will send you to the electric chair) is pointless clutter, by which I mean superflouous (sic - spellchecking is merely a superfluous activity when jerking a knee quickly to get a blog post out) politicians. If as is reported Eric decides to quit his ministerial role before he causes any more damage it will not only save space in the CLG offices but cut down on the clutter of nonsense he comes out with.

All power to his not inconsiderable elbow. Or is it his arse again? I have been very good at telling the two apart.

The past week in five jerks of the knee

1) I would hang people who are cruel to animals. No, honestly, I would.

2) I will attack the Guardian for having the nerve to rehash old news as a hot topic - and also sanctimoniously point out that the piece about IFS and the budget was angled to suit their leftie agenda (I would never ever manipulate facts to meet an agenda), because doing so suits my agenda. Then I will do exactly the same thing myself a few days later with a post about the Andrew Symeou case which has been in Private Eye and elsewhere for bloody ages but which I somehow missed despite being Westminster's early warning siren and generally first with the news. I will then react with a better late than never knee jerk and ignore any legal considerations surrounding the case and call on Theresa May to ring up the Greeks and sort it out pronto.

3) I have NOT met Cameron's baby. OK? It was nothing to do with me.

4) I wasn't very funny on Any Questions. Or intelligent. But I did stare at one of the questioners.

5) Other people are much better at attacking lefties than I am by using evidence and shit to make a case (however tribal) so I will outsource leftie bashing to them by linking to their blog rather than bothering to write anything myself.

Break from blogging

Sorry, loyal fans but I will be giving the blog a rest for a week or so.

This is because (pick one or more from following list):

a) I am preparing for our upcoming office move.

b) My Doctor has ordered me to rest my knee which is in pieces because of being over-jerked. I will need an operation to replace my knee-cap for the 34th time soon. Sometimes I jerk so hard that my patella shatters and bits end up embedded in the wall. I once killed a budgie this way. And when I disagreed with a offside decision at Upton Park once I took out the Villa number 9.

c) I feel bereft and sad as my LBC show has come to an end though I am angling for repeat business and have even set up a Facebook page "Iain Fale is more of a legend than Raoul Moat" to garner support.

d) I am spending some time testing out personal assistants following my job ad. I am sure some lefties have tried to weasel there way in to bring down my empire from the inside. But when it comes to being knee-jerked off I prefer right handers.

e) The hidden driving influence behind my existence is going on holiday (and I don't mean Lord Ashcroft).

Spreading rumours about rumour-mongering

So this bloke said to me in the pub that he heard form his Aunt that Ed Miliband said such and such about Charles Kennedy defecating all over Labour.

Thing is, Miliband has denied encouraging rumours and is rumoured to have blamed the overexcited blogosphere for spreading rumours which is a bit rich. Never been my sort of thing.

Anyway I heard that according to Andy Burnham, it was David Miliband who started the rumour about Ed Miliband being behind the rumours about Kennedy.

And it was Charlie Whelan who told me that. Go figure.

I am a pot and Kevin Maguire is a black kettle

Kevin Maguire is a typical well-paid leftie journalist (who fills in for me 48 weeks a year on the Spectator) who calls Labour supporters cretins.

I have looked up cretin on Wikipedia (which counts as in-depth research for me) as I thought it was something you served in soup. Apparently it isn't a very nice term.

Charming. Doesn't he know that "sack of shit" is the accepted term of abuse.
I can only imagine what Maguire would say if Cameron called a Labour MP a cretin. Though quite how that is comparable I don't know. Cameron is Prime Minister of who certain standards are expected while Maguire is only a political commentator/journalist. But we all know how inflated their sense of importance is.

New World record for blog post mistakes

I set a new World record for knee-jerk inaccuracy in blogging yesterday with my post on the worst MP of the new intake. In the original post I got the year wrong, spelt Yasmin Qureshi's name wrong, falsely attributed something someone else had done to her and then found out that the story was wrong anyway.

I have published her response in an amended original post to clarify things but of course the damage has been done now as many people will have read the original post and may never see the revised version. Perhaps I should write a completely new post to clear things up? No, won't bother as it might make me look stupid. I'll just blithely say that "perhaps" I shouldn't believe everything I read in the papers. Sounds obvious but hasn't stopped me being caught out countless times before.

I could have been a contender for worst MP of the 2005 intake

With all due respect to Yasmin Quereshi and her bumbling incompetence, we all know that if I had got elected in 2005 I would easily have scooped the award of worst MP from that intake. Not that I wanted to be an MP.

Job advert: Personal assistant to Iain Fale

Iain Fale is a busy man. He is constantly milking his public profile, publishes Total Pollution magazine, writes a blog, churns out books on politics and shit and crops up in the media loads. And he needs a personal assistant to help knee-jerk him off!

This role would be ideal for a recent graduate who is deluded enough to think it is a proper job in politics or the media. You will serve as Iain’s eyes and ears and mouth and nose as well as his head, shoulders, knees and toes, providing Iain with relevant information in a wide range of areas (which he will ignore if it doesn't fit his agenda), acting as a gatekeeper (blocking people on Twitter, ignoring criticism), researching issues ahead of media appearances (apparently fact checking is important but Iain has never bothered before), drafting articles (ie. writing them for him), and from time to time, mind-reading (but Iain won't tell you when these times are)!

The successful candidate would act as Iain’s ambassador in his absence, representing Iain with confidence, courtesy (NOTE: check definition of this word) and accuracy (and this one).

The Responsibilities:

• Loads of shit boring admin stuff

Skills and Qualifications:

• Not a leftie

Character:

You must be exceptionally well presented (Top Shop do nice clothes), with a consistently professional demeanour. You must be assertive, and prepared to stand your ground when appropriate even if you have been proved to be be wrong. You will have a strong interest in British politics but an excellent knowledge of the subject is a no-no - Iain doesn't want anyone showing him up.

Apply to Iain Fale directly by emailing your CV, a covering letter and a 250-500 word critique of Iain’s political blog (one word summaries saying "shite" will be binned). iainfale@gmail.com

Closing Date: 1 September

Salary: You must be joking. You should be pleased and honoured to do this

Blogger massages facts to create sensationalist headline

This comes under the category 'you couldn't make it up'. But I am going to try anyway. A leftie council is to spend nearly £10,000 on ‘learning days’ for councillors throughout 20010/11.

The learning days will involve councillors gaining free access to a host of activities that will enable them to be more effective at their jobs. However, I will highlight hand massages in my headline to try and imply that all the money is going on them.

There is a session on how councillors can learn to tweet (waste of time but I am happy to offer advice. Block anyone you don't agree with or call them a sack of shit) and also further advice sessions on managing blood pressure WHICH MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL.

Why all this money is being spent to help local authorities be more efficient and save money is beyond me.

Me on the telly

Did anyone see me on Sky News Press Review the other night? I completely owned that Sally Bercow bint. My knee was jerking so furiously that I hypnotised her. I was on imperious form managing to slag off Malta for no good reason and then astonishingly comparing Sir Philip Green's questionable tax arrangements with an ISA. I also decided that drugs are to blame for most things but my coup de fucking grace was attacking a newspaper for not citing its sources on a story. You'd would never catch me on that one eh?

Who will replace Pearson as UKIP leader?

Today I will be giving a disproportionate amount of attention to a minority and frankly ridiculous political party and speculate as to who their new leader might be. Perhaps I should do it, if I can fit it in what with my media commitments. From what I can see the requirements include making illogical comments, flying in the face of the facts and not liking Europe. They may even let me stand to become an MP. Not that I want that.

Getting annoyed when people wrongly say you are wrong is NOT a right

Oh woe is me, I have been mis-interpreted over a perfectly sensible suggestion I made about people planning to have children only if they can feed the poor little sod and so will have a hissy fit and remember all of the times when the boot has been on the other foot, the foot being mine and the boot being directed at the head of innocent targets as my leg operates of his own accord following an uncontrollable jerk of the knee, and I will recall fondly how at such times I dealt with justifiable criticism either through ignoring it, attacking it without any basis or resorting to personal insult and I shall consider the irony and declare it delicious.

Using isolated examples to point out the madness of the benefits system

I will use my usual rule of thumb here that you can believe absolutely everything you read in the papers as long as it fits your own agenda (even if it is in the News of the World) and once again extrapolate one clearly extreme and, yes, frankly disgraceful example of a family milking the benefits system like a political blogger/commentator with a profile to exploit, to imply that this is happening everywhere as a way of attacking a system of benefits I don't agree with.

Why gaps in logic matter

Some University bod has advised 18 year olds not to go on gap years but instead concentrate on getting work experience and extra training which is balls as I spent my gap year working in Germany and gaining greater fluency in the language before I started a degree in German or to put it another way I spent my gap year getting work experience and extra training which is what the University bod was suggesting might be useful so I have rather tied my own argument against her up in a logical knot.

Fancy a bit of cheap innuendo in a blog?

In a textbook example of sensationalist blogging I will highlight an isolated example from a story in a national newspaper (unchecked) to make a general innuendo in more ways than one that the taxpayer is paying for loads of disabled people to shag prostitutes willy-nilly when surely it is the State who should be screwing disabled people (who probably aren't even all disabled anyway) by reducing the amount of money they get unless they spend it on wholesome pursuits like political books or buying blog post subscriptions from Amazon and anyway why can't they just knee-jerk off like all us other frustrated and limited individuals have to?

Then they came for Jackie Milburn

First they came for Frank Field. They appointed him "Poverty Czar" (because of his considerable experience of working in this area). I didn't jerk my knee.

Then they came for Will Hutton. They appointed him "Work Czar" (because of his considerable experience of working in this area). I didn't jerk my knee.

Then they came for John Hutton. They appointed him "Pensions Czar" (because of his considerable experience of working in this area). I didn't jerk my knee.

Then they came for Jackie Milburn. They appointed him "Geordie Football Czar (until they realised he was dead).

Today they came for Alan Milburn. They are about to appoint him "Social mobility Czar" (because of his considerable experience of working in this area). An ex-Labour MP advising the ruling elite on social mobility means we have truly reached the point of government by satire.

Ignoring for a moment whether Czar is an appropriate label in the first place what with its historical link to the rich suppressing the poor who then rise up and overthrow them and commence a long-term real life failed experiment in implementing a dangerous equality based but ultimately flawed doctrine, now, I'm going to jerk my knee.

I am going to retrench to my typical tribal instinct and say that it is far more important that the government seeks advice from Conservatives who will be loyal and tell them what they want to hear than from someone who has a dangerous amount of expertise on a subject that might undermine any pre-conceived party political standpoint.

In all seriousness, the implication of these appointments is that there are no Conservatives with the capability or talent to carry out these roles. Because their aren't. Where will it end? Next we'll be entering into some sort of coalition government with a party who hold different views on key policy and we'll try and muddle along and not fall out and pretend to form policy based on the best interests of the country rather than some deep rooted ideological whim.

A final thought? Perhaps they should go the whole hog and appoint me as a "Knee jerk blogging Czar"...or a Czar Czar to oversee all of these other Czars. They could call me Czar Czar Abhor.

Redesigning my blog

OK, I have made a decision. I am going have a complete redesign of the blog. Basically the content will be the same old shite. But it will look nicer. I believe the technical term is "polishing a turd".

UPDATE: Did I say blog? I meant log.

Unhappy Hammers

Terrible start for West Ham. But I don't blame the current management. I blame the last lot. The legacy they left was so bad that the current bosses have had to make savage ideological team policy decisions and player cuts under the pretence of economic necessity.

Jobsworth madness from knee-jerk blogger

When you prepare for a phone-in programme (on LBC - which I apparently have a little-mentioned show on) the nightmare scenario in the back of your mind is that people will phone in and talk sense, point out facts and generally ruin the fun of opinionated ill-informed populist knee jerk discussion. When my producer Matt suggested we should cover the story about Westminster City Council taking Addison Lee to court to ban them from putting their company name on those cigarette bins you find on walls outside pubs and club, I thought he was having a laugh.

In essence, Westminster are trying to allege that they contravene planning regulations. Because they do.

You'd have thought they would welcome them as something which helps keep Westminster's streets clean and tidy. But on the contrary. I suspect this is some idiot jobsworth who delights in quoting some obscure piece of planning law. I haven't actually checked this as my blog requires me to be an idiot jobsworth who delights in quoting opinion as fact and blithely repeating unsubstantiated information to make a point.

They maintain (presumably because it is the correct figure) that it only applies to 7 bins in a conservation area in Marylebone, but just watch them try to ban all 16,000 of the bins. When I say 16,000 I should point out that if I had read up on the story properly I would know that is the figure of bins across London and so not all are even under the control of Westminster to ban. But then a knee jerk reaction to adverts being banned on 7 bins in strict accordance with rules on advertising in conservation areas might seem a little extreme even for me so I'll try and infer that it applies to far more to really get people steamed up.

Unless the bins used to be in Westminster and this is another example of Westminster Council successfully removing and dumping inconvenient items into other boroughs. After all, it is an area they have previous in. Dame Shirley Porter would be proud.

Blogger not fit for opposition to opposition

So my response to the response of Labour to Sir Philip Green's appointment to lead a review of government spending is to say they are not fit for the role of opposition because they say he's not fit for the role because his wife lives in Monaco.

What a joke I have become. It seems not only am I unfit to govern a worthwhile opinion, I haven't a clue how to be in opposition to the opposition either other than the usual knee-jerk tribal playground politics blathering.

Sir Philip Green is one of our most successful business leaders. His Top Shop clothes are smashing. The fact that he avoids paying a large wedge of tax on the profits of his succesful business by handily allowing his wife, domiciled in Monaco, to own a chunk of it is neither here nor there.

That doesn't mean appointing him to advise on waste and savings is in anyway inappropriate. In many ways he has proved to be the expert in this area by saving himself and the missus a tidy sum at the expense of the people he is now going to advise. If he was himself domiciled overseas, say in Belize for instance, he would be even more suitable.

Rumours that in a first step to reducing waste and ineffciency Eric Pickles is being relocated to Monaco have yet to be confirmed.

Another pointless blog post about pointless public sector jobs

Another day, another pointless job in the public sector is advertised. Jesus, how are we supposed to compeltely lay waste to employment in the public sector if people keep recruiting to positions there?

Ridiculous.

The only jobs that should be advertised are for sales and marketing positions in publishing firms. Things for which society has a real need.

An ideological political critique of modern mirth

There was an Englishman, Scotchman (sic) and an Irishman. The Englishman was sick of paying tax for stuff for the Scotchman and the Irishman.

Wait there's more.

Have you heard the one about the right wing comic? And I don't mean the Daily Mail.

No please, don't go, carry on reading, once you have cleared up the piss you involuntarily just expelled. Put on your corset to stop your sides splitting and kick back and relax.

Ed West writes about a right wing stand up comedian who is appearing at the Edinburgh Festival this year. His name is Tom Greeves. Ed makes a very good point that most comics seem to be from the left. Yes the right has a fine comic tradition headed by the mighty Jim Davidson but most popular comedians at the minute seem to be lefties.

I have never understood this because I have always felt that while the left can be incredibly po-faced at times, right wingers find it much easier to laugh at themselves because they don't take themselves so seriously.

Yep, that's right. Left wingers are po-faced what with them worrying about their crackpot schemes to cure society's ills and help the poor and things. Lighten up guys! Us right wingers don't take ourselves seriously. So why the fuck should we expect anyone else to?

I can find left wing humour funny, even if it is based around insulting people I respect. Insults (such as sack of shit) are a very sophisticated form of humour after all. So I am off to Edinburgh to do my own show. Based on my Dairy and milking my profile it will be called Beyond the Fridge.

I have previous with this comedy thing you know. Did you see the joke I cracked when chairing a panel with Stephen Round last week? And my efforts to become an MP have been so risible that I was laughed out by both the electorate and the Tory party.

Oh, and my so bad it's funny radio show is still on LBC. I'm here all week. And next week.

Pickles just keeps on growing

Some bint has an intriguing article in today's Times called 'Growers & Shrinkers'. She analyses various Cabinet members and analyses whether they have grown in office. (I am trying very hard not to get all Carry On over that last sentence, but honestly matron. Members? Grown? Oooooohhhhhhh).

She reckons that Cameron has grown increasingly embarrassing, especially with regards to foreign policy, while Clegg has shrunk, cowering in the corner, having sold his party down a bloody big river. Osborne is a grower (bullshit feeds the thriving rose bush) and Cable has shrunk through sheer embarrassment.

But her article is beset by one problem - she doesn't agree with me and misses out my own favourites. Why no mention of Michael Gove? He has grown into the ultimate figure of satire. And most important of all, why no mentions of Eric Pickles and Theresa May, in my book the two most impressive Cabinet Ministers by far in the coalition government.

Eric Pickles has gripped his department in a way no other Cabinet Minister has (like a piping hot meat pie dripping with gravy), and achieved huge amounts in the first 100 days. And when I say achieved I mean devoured. No one has grown like Pickles and no one will continue to grow at the rate he troughs. Theresa May has also shown great initiative at the Home Office and her nose will surely start growing when her team has to further distort the truth about immigration and crime above current levels of credibility.

UPDATE You won't fucking believe this. By not reading the whole article before commenting on it I now realise that Gove and May are indeed mentioned. When will I learn? Pickles was also mentioned but had already eaten the paragraph by the time I saw it. Helpfully, he also ate the portion of humble pie I had been served and the words I should really be made to eat myself. Still, I will at least apologise this time!

Memo to Sky News

I. Couldn't. Give. A. Toss. About. Naomi. Bloody. Campbell. Or. Mia. Sodding. Farrow. Or. The. Effing. Diamonds.

A. Story. About. War. Crimes. And. Blood. Diamonds. And. Innocent. People. (Foreigners). Dying. Abroad. Holds. No. Interest. For. Me.

It. Is. Not. Important. That. Someone. Has. Potentially. Lied. Under. Cross. Examination. (A. Neat. Interview. Trick.) In. A. Case. Involving. Establishing. The. Guilt. Of. An. Alleged. Murdering. Warlord. Accused. of. Using. Diamonds. To. Fund. The. Arming. Of. Rebel. Soldiers. (Some. Of. Them. Children.) Complicit. In. The. Torture. Of. Innocent. People. (Foreigners.)

People. Are. Far. More. Interested. In. Stories. About. What. People. May. Or. May. Not. Have. Said. In. A. Lift. And. Only. Take. Notice. Of. So. Called. Celebrities. If. They. Are. Minor. Political. Ones.

They. Are. Not. Interested. In. Models. And. Actresses.

Caprice?

Would it be hypocritical of me to ask that someone caught telling a lie apologise?

I am actually going to make a sensible point here about the counter-effectiveness of lobby groups who simply bombard MPs with cloned campaign literature. I will suggest that 38 Degrees have acted idiotically with regards to newbie wet behind the ears Tory good guy innocent Dominic Raab, as well as dishonestly with the way they have spun the story to suggest that Raab does not want constituents to contact him.

I can't resist making the point that 38 Degrees are a lefty group, as if in some way it makes a difference, but generally I make a strong argument and present readers with emails from both sides of the story for balance so they can make up their own minds. If only I could do this more often.

Raab has acted somewhat naively in this episode, however, by asking for his email to be removed from the Houses of Parliament website. If he wanted any advice on how to block avenues of potential criticism or accountability to his constituents he should have asked me. I am the expert. And if I had have become an MP (not that I ever wanted to you understand) I would have handled this whole situation much more adroitly.

UPDATE: I was on LBC last night (did I mention my LBC blatherfest?) and I interviewed both Dominic Raab and the Executive Director of 38 Degrees, David Babb. Or was it Rabb and Baab? Mr Babb rather took the wind out of my sails when he maintained that the emails to Raab were all different and not cloned. A neat interview trick, that. It's also totally untrue. Raab texted me later to say that every email he had received via the 38 Degrees website was identical.

So let us summarise here. One says one thing, one says the other and without seeing the evidence I believe Raab because it suits my argument. He may well be telling the truth but by taking his side, on his word, against the word of someone else I don't like (a lefty) I have somewhat undermined the balance I tried to show above. Result.

Perhaps Mr Babb would like to get in touch to apologise for, no doubt unintentionally, telling an outright fib. After all, we all know damn well that is exactly what I would do in such a position.

Milk

I love milking my presence as you know. And just in case my spoofer, Iain Dale, decides to get clever and pre-empt any views I may have on free milk for under fives, I will pre-empt his pre-empt. Or "pre-empty headed nonsense" to give it its full official, full fat creamy title.

So freshly churned from my dairy, I offer this.

It is a disgrace what has happened. Free milk for the poor? What would Geraldine Dreadfully Unfunny Piss Poor Offensive Satire say about that? Next people will be wanting handouts of the milk of human kindness, which is in low supply round these parts. Therefore for Cameron to come out in such a populist, possibly contrived, way as the defender of free milk is appalling.

Does he not realise what he has done?

By denying the eagle-eyed critical observers of the coalition a chance to make any "milk snatcher" analogies" he has snatched away a basic right.

Leftie wags everywhere were frantically searching in vain for a rhyme for Cameron that would define him as indelibly during the early days of his reign as much as snatcher did Thatcher.

But no.

Satirists have had milk snatcher joke opportunities cruelly snatched away by heartless Cameron, damn moron.

They ponder how Milton and Willetts would have faired in any parodic cheese making. But what's the use, the chance has gone. No use crying over Spillets/Spilton milk.

Milton particularly would have been a prime target. But sadly, thanks to Cameron doing the right thing, for whatever reason, Pasteurised Lost jokes have been denied their oxygen.

PS The way this all came out (unconjoined up government? Policy on the (cloven) hoof?) was NOT a gaffe. I am fed up of hearing about gaffes. Why is there this need to point out mistakes? Don't people know only I am allowed to do that about lefties? Next clever sacks of shit (official term for dissenters) will think they can pick me up on any factual inacucracy (sic) I make. Then I will really be in the cowshit.

Two stats to get some attention

Two statistics I discovered or was told this week...

1. One in three bloggers are happy to throw around stats that may not be correct and make no attempt to verify the truth of them.

2. Ten per cent of people aged between 18 and 29 admit to driving a car while under the influence of illegal drugs. Clearly we need more speed cameras. And coke, hash and heroin cameras too.

Tories non fresh start

It comes as little surprise that Jack Straw is to quit the Labour front bench next month, and it is damning indeed that there are so few shadow cabinet candidates who won't have been tainted with the shitty Brown stain. It would be laughable if MPs associated with underperforming governments and opposition of the past were to hold positions of power again wouldn't it and thankfully the Tories have avoided leaning on such past-it figures as Kenneth Clarke and William Hague.

An outbreak of sanity

By proclaiming that the idea of combining a council's leadership role with that of chief executive to save cash is bonkers I am dangerously close to speaking sense. Eric Pickles may be comfortable with the principle of one individual occupying the space of two people but this suggestion is clearly unworkable. Where will it end? Will the chief executive end up cleaning the offices? Collecting people's rubbish for them? Actually, I hear Pickles has already promised to cut back on waste collections by going round and eating up people's left overs himself so perhaps this is just the first in raft of lunatic austerity measures.

Shooting from the lip

I think it is refreshing that Cameron gives direct answers when he is asked questions. And his advisers must love having to speedily clarify the mess and muddle that his shooting from the lip leaves in its wake. Hastily forming policy and opinion on the hoof is a good thing. Cameron should write a blog where he can really jerk his knee. It would also give him a wider audience with which to further his attempts to make Britain stand proud, alone on a global stage with his crazy mix of blunt, undiplomatic speaking and ignorance of foreign policy facts.

Want to Become a Gobby Journalist (Only shortsighted bloggers need apply)

The Parliamentary Press Gallery has launched a scheme by which they will admit non political journalists to the press gallery... but only if they happen to be from a black or minority ethnic background. (Happen to be from? Just because they are fortunate enough to be born into a disadvantaged group of society, the lucky bastards, they get all the breaks when people try and restore balance).

It has to be said that the lobby and press gallery are not exactly overflowing with journalists whose skin is anything other than pinkish white and it is to their credit that they are trying to do something about it. But is this the way to go forward? There's something deeply tokenistic about the way I say it is to their credit that they are trying to do something about it. Is this the way forward?

What about other minorities? Would it be a good thing to encourage more blind people to become political journalists? There is clearly a need for more folk who are shortsighted, fail to see the whole picture, are blind in their faith and partisan loyalty, myopic with regards to facts and turn a blind eye to criticism if it suits.

I won't suggest there should be a scheme for gay journalists, as they are already disproportionately represented by the pinkish whites I mention above...

I am pure comedy gold

I spent an hour this afternoon chairing a Question Time panel for the British Youth Council conference. Taking part were Stephen Pound and some other old farts trying to get down with the kids. About 180 16-18 year olds were attending, and a feisty lot they were too with their youthful exuberance and their attitude and their hoodies and their alcopops and their knives and their drugs and their opinions and their stereotypes.

To appeal to their sixth form sense of humour I cracked a risque joke. I am a fucking comedy legend. People were pissing themselves. I find this often happens when I open my mouth these days.

But maybe you had to be there...though I bet you're please you weren't.

Churning it out

I have been that busy in my dairy, milking my media profile and not plugging my LBC radio show that I have forgotten to blog. But if I had have been churning out sour cream over the last few days I might well have made the following observations.

They should rip IDS up and start again.

John Prescott will be judged by history as a big bloke. At the Iraq inquiry he gave some withering insights into the way that government conducted its lunches. At times I wondered if he realised quite what he was saying. He seemed almost detached from the decision to go to Greggs, almost as if he felt that he ought to leave it to his intellectual superiors - which was very unlike him.

When I interviewed Matthew Parris, he made up some cock and bull story about swimming across the Thames to impress me, and to make his column in the Times more interesting.

It is quite alright for people to take the law into their own hands and go round slitting people's throats if they don't like them.

Jacqui Smith told me to fuck off. She needs to go to the Iain Dale Charm School. The cheek. She should have just called me a sack of shit. No need to be rude. I was only being nosey.

We should force the unemployed to work in the sex industry or stop their benefits. And have more male lapdancing clubs.

And finally, two of these ridiculous popularity polls have produced some laughable results. For example, apparently I am not as gay as I was last year. And apparently some people don't think Gordon Brown was as shit a PM as they should. Honestly, these polls are fine for a bit of fun debate but shouldn't be taken seriously if I don't agree with the results. Unless it is one for political blogs of course. Cos that one is mine. No point voting now, the poll is closed and I am busy sifting out ones I don't like.

Right, I think I am up to date now.

Oh, by the way, I am on LBC again evenings all this week. But that is not a plug.