Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Prisoners are Right: Ken Clarke Doesn't Always Work

Today, I wrote a blog post that was remarkable in that it largely made sense and argued a rational point in an informed and consistent manner. It is almost unspoofable. What am I playing at?

Last October, I wrote a blogpost which argued that rehabilitating people rather than sticking them in prison was a sensible approach in achieving long-term savings to the public purse. OK, I didn't quite say that but you get the gist.

I was the first person ever to say these things. Apart from those who had been saying them for years.

But basically, I am right. Economically and socially it makes much more sense to take a long-term view on this. Fortunately, politicians are always capable of doing this and looking way beyond the next election, especially during a period where their popularity is "shaky" because of cuts and the public demands quick fix solutions to crime. What it needs is a visionary liberal thinker like Ken Clarke to take a lead on this.

Ken Clarke agrees with me and is showing courage by making a speech today where he will agree with me publicly. I hope he has the political will to drive through the reforms to our prison and sentencing systems which are long overdue. Overdue, I might add, because money needs to be saved rather than through any desire to change a society where crime (apart from corporate crime which is a different matter and can be ignored in this argument) is largely a result of inequality, which ironically is exactly what Tory cuts may exacerbate.

All of this is a complete anathema to traditional Tory values on crime where basically we should hang and flog people if there is any suspicion they might have done something dodgy. Which will also keep the cost of prison down.

Fortunately we are in an economic environment where the State is only too happy to commit funding long-term to unpopular causes for the overall pay off society will reap in years to come rather than taking short term austerity measures. Which will all come in handy when the riots start, two years next Tuesday, about tea time.

Blogger Can't Do Logic

What a joke of an economics correspondent Larry Elliott of The Guardian (lefty nonsense rag) has become. He splashes in a way that implies that people who run scoops based on inside information are somehow more credible that "secret" Treasury documents reveal that the budget cuts will cost 1.3 million jobs. Shock. Horror. The end of the world is nigh, he said flippantly.

Well it would be if you were one of the 1.3 million. But it doesn't really matter because public sector jobs are expendable, as the public sector does nothing useful really. Other than all of the bloody useful stuff it does. Blame the nasty Tories. Thatcher. Milk Snatcher, though what the fuck that has to do with anything I don't know.

Then, in the middle of the story, comes this sentence...

The Treasury is assuming that growth in the private sector will create 2.5m jobs in the next five years to compensate for the spending squeeze.

Now, I know that logic is not my strong point, but even I can work out that "WILL cost 1.3 million jobs" and "ASSUMING growth of 2.5m jobs" does not mean that it is as easy as glibly concluding that in fact this government will create 1.2 million jobs. And give school kids their milk back as well presumably. But I will still call Larry a prat.

Yes, I have every right to criticise a story that presents only part of the story in its headline to make its point. I am a past master of it. After all, either you cherry pick figures or you don't.You believe the one you want to believe and not the one you find inconvenient to your argument, something you would never catch me doing.

But even if the equation was as simple as the maths I try and employ, to suggest that the 1.3 million people losing their jobs will automatically find employment in the good old private sector is surely wishful thinking at best.

UPDATE: For the record, I don't believe the 2.5 million figure either. So why am I banging on about this? Oh, and by the way, for any lefty economists reading this, you might like to remember that it's not budgets which create jobs, it's private sector risk taking entrepreneurs. Like me. Equally, it's risk taking entrepreneurs and the free market that also leads to people losing jobs when things go wrong. Think on that.

Fisk: Why My Mate Ann Widdecombe Should Go to the Vatican

I don't know who Andrew Brown is, and I'll be buggered if I am going to try and find out. But I have just read his ridiculous blog on the Guardian website (so must be lefty rubbish, natch) which asserts that Ann Widdecombe is wholly unsuited to be the British Ambassador to the Vatican because, er, he doesn't really like her. You would never catch me doing a piece based around my personal opinion of someone, and certainly not about either Diane Abbott and Harriet Harman over the last couple of weeks.

Personally I can think of no one better for the position, and if it offered to her I hope she accepts, so I don't have to continue pimping her out around the theatres of the UK.

You see, Andrew Brown doesn't think Ann Widdecombe can be a diplomat because, er, she tends to say what she thinks. As if that were a fault. I have always found it a positive boon.

I feel in the mood for a fisk... you know, where I go through someone's piece and dissect it wth my own snidery. Which in turn could then be pulled apart by someone else, whose observations could also be critiqued and so on and so on ad nauseum.

But it is a tricky area analysing someone's piece line by line to expose its weaknesses and I certainly wouldn't want anyone to do it to me. The risk is that it ends up being an exercise in parodying self parody that could create a satire spoof vortex that might break my blog post.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Anyone know what fisk means?

Apparently I have to fisk someone tomorrow and am worried about the implications. If I just fisk myself is that OK?

Blogger asked to move on

Sense prevailed in the High Court today as the Mayor of London won his case calling for a blogger squatting on the internet to be evicted. I have written about this before and think it is disgraceful that people can assume to hold certain opinions that are a disgrace to Britain.

I am all for people expressing their views but next thing we know they'll be protesting in public outside of the home of so-called democracy and making things look a bit untidy and then they'll set up peace camps and get accused of not washing rather than washing their hands of an awkward situation just because the Queen might find it all a bit messy and then the peace camps will go on way beyond what any normal person (by my definition of normal) would term a 'protest' because the thing they are protesting about has gone on way beyond what any normal person (by my definition of normal) would term a 'justifiable war'.

Protest by all means but a) keep it low key and out of the tourist hotspots, in fact keep it away from everyone and thus defeat the whole point of the protest and b) don't protest too long even if you haven't achieved your goals. Never worked for the Suffragettes or the Civil Rights movement after all.

But I digress. Back to the original point. This so-called blog has gone way beyond what any normal person would term 'useful' and it was time for Boris Johnson to do something about it.

The blogger has until 4pm on Friday to leave the internet. That also gives them time to appeal, but I hope they will see sense and move on. They have made their points. Badly. Many times.

Blogger Can't Fill Enough Blog Posts

I am wondering what to make of this. It seems that a blogger has not produced enough worthwhile material to adequately fill blog posts.

Therefore he is resorting to spurious stuff about select committee nominations that he clearly neither understands or has bothered to look into properly as a way of attacking Labour.

So, is the blogger uninterested in being properly held to account, or is he just plain lazy?

What a waste of time and money

What on earth is the point of the Cabinet meeting in Bradford today? How on earth are we supposed to maintain the image of London-centric government that couldn't give a shit about Northerners if we actually go and engage with the ghastly oiks?

Monday, 28 June 2010

Questions for Eric Pickles

On Wednesday I am interviewing Eric Pickles for Total Pollution magazine.

If anyone has any questions for him leave them in the comments bit below.

I'll be kicking off by asking him if he could confirm who, (not that I am accusing him of anything), ate all of the pies?

Sunday, 27 June 2010

Do you think I should casually put myself forward as a replacement for Abbott on the This Week sofa?

I have done lots of telly work you know.

Abbott is pissing off to contest the Labour leadership and may not be back. This will automatically raise questions about the future of Michael Costello.

Abbott and Costello work well together and were funny in the early days but their brand of comedy is now a bit out of date.

That's not to say I would advocate replacing Portillo even though I kind of am. And if they were seeking a like-for-like replacement then we have a lot in common.

Basically, I am dying for one of my loyal readers to suggest me as a possible replacement to either of them in the comments to this post.

As sure as eggs is eggs I will distort this story

You really couldn't make it up. But I am going to anyway. We learn today that once again the E bloody U wants to interfere in the way the right wing press reports mythical law changes initiated by Brussels. No longer will readers be able to buy into scrambled stories about eggs, lazily cooked up by the dozen to support an anti-EU agenda. Journalists and bloggers will be forced to print them based on the weight of truth. I ask you.

I have no particular objection to anything being grounded in fact, but why is it that bureaucrats think readers aren't capable of deciding for themselves how much bollocks there is usually contained within apocryphal tales regarding what the EU is supposed to have banned this week just to wind Britain up.

Too many bloggers, with too much time on their hands. That's what comes of opening up the internet to any one in the first place. If it weren't here we wouldn't read these crackpot stories that serve the purpose of no one apart from the idiot that wrote them in the first place.

And of course tame readers then endorse them and help establish them as the truth.

It is lazy blogging like this that brings me into disrepute.

The Faley Four

Some interesting spoof blogging stuff around at the minute

1) Iain Dale has started a fantastic comedy spoof that parodies my blog! Pure comedy gold. Some real "you couldn't make it up" stuff.

2) BryantPedia with some interesting thoughts on the legal implications of spoofing.

3) Guido Fawkes - not strictly speaking a spoof blog but has some moments of laughable invention.

4) Couldn't be arsed to read any other blogs.


Kevin Maguire must have been desperate to fill his New Statesman diary this week. And don't you just hate it when bloggers and columnists resort to any old rubbish to hint at productivity. It is lazy and suggests they are merely coasting rather than saying anything remotely useful.

He bemoans the fact that none of the party conferences this autumn are being held by the seaside. Er, shurely shome mishtake? (Thank's to Private Eye for the last sentence - always nice to attribute things where possible).

True, the Tories are in Birmingham which is as far away from the coast as you can be and the Lib Dems are in Liverpool, which is a port ON A RIVER and so can not in any way be described as a coastal City. But Labour are holding their annual jamboree in Manchester. Last time I looked, Manchester had a ship canal, and ships sail on the sea, which kind of hints that it's on the coast.

I wonder if Mr Maguire ever got a Geography 'O' Level or whether like me he missed the lesson where the difference between a river and the sea was discussed.

PS: Yeah, I do know that Manchester is not really on the coast but it is more or less on the coast, innit? :) And "more or less" is accurate enough for my type of journalism as it is a useful device when trying to make out I am right about something even though I have been proved to be wrong. You can breezily peddle all manner of half truths as fact with such caveats.

PPS: Thought I would use yoofspeke, innit, and emoticons even though I am not 14.

Friday, 25 June 2010

I Should Hang My Head in Shame

You would not believe what I am going to do now. Yes, that's right, I am going to compare Rose Gibb to Rose West. One was the head of a NHS Trust where an outbreak of C.diff led to the tragic deaths of 90 patients for which she was, rightly or wrongly, made a scapegoat for. The other is a convicted serial killer. They are both called Rose and are widely reviled so it's a fair enough comparison. Even though whatever the failings of Gibb's management, to suggest she was evil and wished the patients dead is clearly crass and inaccurate.

And given she has shown herself perfectly willing to go to Courts to get justice and clear her name I really ought to be careful she doesn't chase me with the libel stick.

Yes, the people of Tunbridge Wells are right to be angry by what happened. This is a town that gets disgusted about too many repeats on the BBC so when there is a real scandal they are going to really let loose their ire. But I am sure many would not wish me to suggest on their behalf that Gibb and West are no different to each other. (Slurring by proxy technique in force again here.)

Incidentally, I will also be misunderstanding the legal grounds for the appeal which was an employment law issue as that doesn't sit with my populist point.

Gibb was at fault. If the person in charge cannot be held responsible when needless deaths occur who the hell can be? It is logic I will be applying equally to any avoidable deaths of UK citizens in, for example a war, over the next few months. All Cameron's fault they'll be.

Slurring by proxy

Here's a tip. A good way of slurring someone you don't like (such as, hypothetically speaking, Harriet Harman) without actually being directly accountable is to simply cut and paste someone else's slur, attributed of course, and make a blog post of it.

Giving tennis the elbow

I used to love tennis me. But then I stopped loving it and don't follow it much now to be honest. Still, as you might have guessed that doesn't stop me having an opinion on the modern game which I am happy to let loose on the interweb. Hey, tell you what, just for larks shall I breezily make some comment about women's tennis being shite just to stir up a bit of reaction?

Anyway, I am off to Wimbledon today where I will spend my time chatting to my old German teacher while taking up a seat that proper fan might have made use of. I wonder if I have any old University photos of me dressed up a la Prince Harry in embarrassing German clothing I could post to finish off with? Only joking, I am not THAT right wing.

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Bringing it all back home

How ironic that my pearls of wisdom about housing and homes were only heard by 14 people yesterday. Everyone else simply stayed at home.

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

The blunt attack on a blunt mis-spelled Labout attack

The predictable Dale reaction to Labout's reaction to George Osborne's fucking excellent budget (another predictable Dale reaction) has been hilarious to watch. But then I am wittier than the average Tory. Fact. Lance Price, former Labour communications director said so. At least I think it was wittier - we were in a noisy pub at the time. Oh, and I must remember to look up what "damning someone with faint praise" means.

Price is full of these compliments. He calls Eric Pickles fitter than the average lard-arse, for example. But back to my point.

Labout really do seem at sixes and sevens. Or as that fine exponent of Tory maths Osborne would put it sixties and seventies. I suppose we shouldn't be surprised bearing in mind their policies in large part caused the crisis we have today (if we ignore the role of the banks. And our throwaway society's insatiable thirst for luxuries and credit and stuff I knock out on my website. Oh and it also makes it much easier to blame Labout if we all accept that everything was just perfect on April 30 1997).

I said well before the election that whoever won would put up VAT. I am the soothsayer of taxation. Next I will be uniquely making the same shock predictions as everyone else is in other areas by saying unemployment will rise. Poor people will suffer. The government will be greatly concerned. (Well 2 out of 3 ain't bad).

It is also interesting that my predictable attack on the Labout attack yesterday on the role of the Liberal Democrats, centres on the role of the Liberal Democrats. These jolly decent chaps have, to their credit, renounced all of their pre-election policies that people voted for them on the strength of. They have now recognised the dire coalition quandary crisis they are in and have endorsed the measures needed to stay in power. When I spoke to Danny Kendallexander yesterday he had no reservations in endorsing every single one of the measures outlined by George Osborne, because Osborne was holding his head down the toilet and threatening to flush it at the time. And I believe Vince Cable did the same on TV later though I didn't actually see it.

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

10 things I expect to see in the Budget

I am incredibly well-connected in Westminster village, don't you know. I "learn" things which I mysteriously hint at so as to seem better informed than I really am. Tapping into my wealth of contacts I can confidently make the following predictions about today's budget based on my exclusive intelligence. Remember, you heard it hear first, and can then carry on hearing it when I prattle on for hours on LBC later.

1. Some taxes will go up
2. Some benefits will go down
3. There will be cuts
4. Alcohol and fags will go up as usual
5. Some people won't be happy about that, indeed they will think it the worse part of the Budget
6. Most other people won't be happy generally
7. I will justify whatever is done as necessary whatever the implications (unless there is a tax on media whoring and profile milking)
8. Err
9. That's
10. About
11. It (oops, some more bad Tory maths there)

Monday, 21 June 2010

Not blogging

I am not blogging today as I am far too busy looking at offices and being all media but if I was going to blog I would post a longer version of my interview with Alistair Campbell that appeared recently in my magazine Total Pollution. It is unedited so may contain some mistakes. Publishing it at all, therefore, might be viewed by some as completely unprofessional and irresponsible journalism, especially when the subject is the master of polished spin, but I don't care. If I admit up front that there may be mistakes that is OK. If there are errors I will apologise later when the damage has been done. Because that is how it bloody well works, OK?

Sunday, 20 June 2010

The talent bedded by Chris Huhne

Man leaves wife for mistress. Happens every day to ordinary people all over the country. So that's OK then. Selfish and hurtful acts are fine if enough people are victims. It's a mantra we're all going to have to get used to after Tuesday's budget when we will all be shafted one way or another.

It's regrettable, but all part of life's mysterious pattern. And yet if it involves a politician, it makes the front pages of the Sunday newspapers. Bloody journalists. Heaven forbid I would ever use an incident from someone's personal life as justification for a slur.

While I was driving to Sainsbury's last evening to get Ann Widdecombe's weekly shop I got a call from the Fale on Sunday asking if I could write a quick column on Huhne. I am the go-to-guy for trite kneejerk reactionary spiel, tossed off on the hoof. Need a quick reaction that will skirt around the issue and provoke a bit of aggro, say the editors? Call "the tosser".

As I was driving, I shouldn't even have answered the phone let alone haggle for 20 minutes over my fee, which was so paltry I declined. I spent the rest of the journey musing over what I would have written. Suffice to say that it would have been rather friendlier to Chris Huhne and might have gone like this.

The Fale on Sunday says that the LibDem members of the Cabinet were not properly vetted to check they were sufficiently Tory at heart. The rest of the piece is one attack after another on Huhne in a way that I would never indulge. We learn that he is shit at plumbing and has had "a busted flush" for ages. His wife has been nagging him to fix it. And look where that got her. Drove him into the arms of another woman.

Actually, the real story here should indeed be Huhne's infidelity. The way he has been unfaithful to his Lib Dem ideals and lofty environmental policies is scandalous. When he screws his pseudo green agenda by backing nuclear power then people can truly cast judgement on his scruples.

There are many LibDems I don't respect. Multi-millionaire quisling Chris Huhne is not one of them. I could have phrased that more elegantly and in less back-handed fashion.

He is personable, highly intelligent, a multi-millionaire and a man of clear views. I may not agree with many of them, but he is certainly one of the most talented LibDems in the Commons (of the 50 odd there are). His affair doesn't change that but you can rest assured that if he was someone I really detested it bloody well would.

West Ham Till I Diet

As well as being the UK's premier political blogger with 14 trillion unique visitor numbers and 8 kazillion page views every 3 minutes, I also write stuff about my beloved West Ham. This mix of insightful right wing political nous and being an Irons zealot is nothing new. Think of me as a sort of Alf Garnett for the new Millennium.

The England term were kak against Algeria (technical football term). We need to get a bit of the 1966 spirit in there and use West Ham to form the spine of the team. And the floppy bits as well. Only players with a West Ham connection or who are very, very good can play. Therefore my team for the Slovenia showdown is (in a groundbreaking 3-6-7-3 formation):

James, Green, Parkes: Johnson, Upson, Rio (even on one leg), Bonds, Alvin Martin, Dicks: Joe Cole, Frank Lampard, His Dad, Parker, Brooking, Devonshire, Matty Holmes: Defoe, Alan Taylor, Hurst.

You may note that I have not selected the one World Class player that England possess, who even though he has been so anonymous in the first two games that the National Missing Person's Helpline have been called in to try and locate him, surely has to play in a game that we must win. It is almost as if I am trying to deliberately be controversial to provoke debate.

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Trying to avoid committing blogicide

Even I wouldn't be so crass as to try and make a half-baked point in support of Mad Nad over a tragic suicide attempt would I? Especially when it hasn't been officially confirmed as a suicide attempt.

Quote of the day: Cosmo Kramer

Quote of the day
"These pretzels are making me thirsty"
Cosmo Kramer
Err Cosmo. You are not an MP. Get over it. Like I never have. You are not allowed an opinion. Only bloggers are.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

I could have been a contender

I was that excited yesterday about going to a tupperware party at number 10 that I was unable to blog. It was a smashing evening although the garden was in a bit of state. I mentioned this to DC. He admitted that the previous owner had let the weeds get out of control but he was determined to sort them out, as well as cut back some of the more impressive flowers that had been sown in the past 13 years because they were too expensive to maintain or he simply didn't think they were important as people like him didn't get any use out of them.

He also asked whether I was planning to stand as a Tory candidate at the next election. I said "no". He said "thank fuck for that" and walked off leaving me to imagine in my head a conversation where he was pleading that I stand and me claiming I couldn't because I was too old. Reality is I couldn't stand the pain of losing again. It is not as if I have been obsessed with it (yeah, right).

Plus ever since the MP expenses wheeze was rumbled I can make far more money with all the pies I currently have fingers in. Why go to the bother of being properly accountable to people when you can try and shape things through misrepresentations on a blog and through media work? It is harder to suppress criticism when you are an MP.

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Second bite at the Saville cherry

Once more unto the quagmire I go. For those of us who were children at the time, for those of us whose connections with Northern Ireland are tenuous to say the least, it is perhaps difficult to understand what the events today mean for the Northern Irish people. But I will still have a bloody big attempt at it (again) even if it means over-simplifying an incredibly complex and historically rooted issue as "2 wrongs don't make a right".

Cameron deserves credit for reading something out in Parliament rather than covering it up. It's a funny world where I can seek to make a virtue out of someone merely doing his job and reporting the findings of an independent body, independently. I blame Lord Hutton.

And while it would be helpful to recognise that today's report marks an important admission finally that the British Army were at fault, which should be taken on its own terms, I will give the impression that justice for some is not worthwhile unless everyone gets it. If I took that argument to its logical conclusion (don't worry, I never have before so won't start now) you wouldn't try any criminal because there will always be those who get away with things and convicting those who get caught wouldn't be fair on the victims of those who don't.

I'll also ignore acknowledgement of the fact that it is such a crucial episode in the Troubles because (setting aside centuries of grievances about how the British had treated the Irish previously, eh Mr Cromwell et al?) if it had never happened or hadn't been covered up years ago there probably wouldn't have been all of the other terrible atrocities I list.

I think I should leave it there as I definitely don't want to end up spouting chunks of populist generalising to keep regular readers happy, with just a hint of controversy to encourage some healthy debate. And I certainly wouldn't want to conclude by talking about my "thoughts" being with people I couldn't care less about because like most British people I can't and don't really understand this whole issue, simply to try and display my human and caring side.

Pre-empting the Saville Inquiry

I don't often step into the quagmire of Northern Irish politics, for very good reason as it is complex and emotive. But the publication of today's Saville Inquiry report will dominate the headlines. We don't know what it says yet but I will still give my tuppence worth on what it might say rather than waiting until we know for sure like any sensible analyst would. All the speculation leads us to believe that verdicts of unlawful killing by soldiers of Republican protesters will be brought against the soldiers who unlawfully killed Republican protesters, largely because many people believe that the Republican protesters were unlawfully killed.

But we need to move on. And accept the findings. No point harbouring grudges. It was years ago. These things happen.

Ooooh, I should really step out of the quagmire now but I think I am stuck!

What is needed is trite catch all critiques that somehow forget that, whatever the rights and wrongs, the whole Ireland situation is based on centuries of deep rooted resentment and harbouring grudges, on both sides.

But I reserve the right to alter my position when the report is published and I have actually read it rather than glibly second guessed it.

Monday, 14 June 2010

Anyone want to buy a map?

Some people I know have bashed out this map showing all of the constituencies in the UK Parliament. It has been left blank so that you fill in all of your own colours (felt tip pens NOT provided). This means you can fill the whole thing in blue if that is how your dream nation would look. Or at least colour the bits that would be yellow on an official election map in blue, cos they are now really if we're being honest. It is bloody massive and can be purchased for £99.

All orders received before now will be despatched (sic) this week even though that doesn't even make sense unless you can distort time.

Bless the Patron Saint of sub-editors who gave Ed Balls his surname

Ed Balls is talking his surname again. In an interview in the Mirror he talks about how his sense of social injustice and desire to run the economy down was forged during his student days under Thatcherism. Yet, shockingly, I can exclusively reveal a 4 year old anecdote from the Independent which reveals he was in fact the member of some nasty right wing organisation at Oxford.

What I won't do at this point is repeat the part of the story which goes onto say Balls has never denied this and that he, like many others at Oxford joined all sorts of political clubs, no matter how extreme their views, simply to gain access to the debates and social scene.

Unbelievably, he was even a member of some dangerous lefty Labour body and active in socialist causes, which is at complete odds with anything he has stood for since being an MP. That a New Labour MP seeking leadership of his party should claim to have always been a left winger is beyond belief. And that is the real bit of revisionist self-portrayal that is important here.

At least he has got it right on VAT. All over the country those who voted Tory are openly saying "we were going to vote Labour but while we could accept mismanagement of the economy, erosion of civil liberties, spin and lies, we were scared shitless by their refusal to rule out a tax rise." Too late now though Ed. Should have spoken up at the time.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

Wind turbines are ugly

I don't like wind turbines. They're an ugly blot on the hills and Dales of this green (when it suits us) and pleasant land. They don't even sodding well work. I would much rather we explored alternative forms of energy. Such as that generated by the vast effort climate change deniers expend in failing to accept obvious facts. Or we could harness the ripples caused by the lip service politicians pay to eco-matters.

Of course the cleanest form of power in terms of carbon emissions is undoubtedly nuclear power. There is no more beautiful sight than a hulking great nuclear power station gracing the countryside, radiating welcoming warmth, and they are pure rural eye candy when they go wrong.

I predict that within a very short time, even a committed environmentalist Liberal like Chris Huhne will undergo a damascene conversion (that's a Biblical allusion cos I am clever) to the benefits of nuclear power. Or else lose his job.

And perhaps then we can stop this spread of unspeakable ugliness across our countryside. But enough about Chis Huhne. We must start dismantling this infestation of wind turbines. While we're at it we should get rid of electricity pylons because they are hideous as well. And roads. And railway lines. And urban areas. All carbuncles.

In fact, to be honest, parts of the countryside itself don't always scrub up well. Some hills are a bit bumpy and uneven while I have seen some fields that are positively scruffy. And trees are a nightmare when they start shedding their leaves.

It was all ITV's fault

ITV should be hanging their heads in shame. Their coverage of the football was diabolical. It was almost as bad as Robert Green's coverage of his goal. Where were Ant and Dec for a start? Hundreds of thousands of HD viewers saw an advert instead of the England goal. See everything clearer in HD proclaims all of the intense hype around this overblown technology that implies that before HD none of us could see anything at all on TV because it was so murky. Yeah right. HD? High dudgeon. Hypey dogma.

What ITV should have done is put an advert on so that we didn't have to witness the United States' goal, a spill so bad that even BP felt compelled to criticise the Green (Robert not the political party). But I bet you won't hear Obama getting all huffy about it. It is disgraceful that people have blamed Green for the US goal even though he is to blame. He's a West Ham player so immune from criticism, and still a class custodian despite the fact that sporting reputations are unfairly based on how people perform in sports events, especially important ones, and whether they are able to perform the basic functions that they have been chosen for.

The shit he has taken from one howler (we'll forget about other ones he has made and the fact he has been sent off for England before) is terrible. You would never catch a political blogger or media pundit, for example, attacking people on the basis of innocent mistakes they had made. They would be even-handed and desist from criticism. And hypocrisy.

Clive Tyldesley's commentary was the most cliche ridden I have heard since he last commentated so I don't need to mention that as if it is an original observation, and Adrian Chiles' presentation was appalling, the scruffy bastard.

And why was Patrick Viera a pundit? What relevance did he have to the game? (Apart from the fact he plays football. And has won the World Cup. And has played with or against most of the players who were playing). I am fed up with all of these pundits popping up all over the place offering their opinions on things whether they have any relevant knowledge or not.

And then came the icing on the cake - which was devoured by James Corden.

It makes you realise how well Sky Sports do football. They knock spots off both the BBC and ITV coverage. Not that being a Tory I feel compelled to big up Murdoch of course.

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Labour leadership contest: an unbiased Tory perspective

They're all shite. Miliband, David? Rubbish. All very well opening up on the adoption of his sons now, when he wants to come across as having a human side. Eighteen months ago when I profiled him for GWhizz he was very reluctant to talk about that issue as he regarded it as 'private' and told me I could stick my interview up my arse if I mentioned it again. He was particularly miffed by my suggestion that he could never be PM as the British people demand a leader with lead in his pencil as evidenced by the virility displayed by the last 3. Anyway, rather than banging on about his kids, he should try adopting some sensible policies.

The big disappointment in the campaign so far has been his brother Ed, the man I first tipped as next Labour Party leader in that GWhizz article in October 2008 around the same time as lots of other people did. Unlike his brother he doesn't seem hungry enough for the job and one cannot help but suspect that he is only standing because of some long held grievance about a game of Ludo when they were growing up.

Ed Balls? Balls by name etc etc.

Andy Burnham is just desperate. Desperate to highlight his northernness, as evidenced by the very odd decision to base his campaign in an industrial pie eating flat cap wearing whippet racing stereotype. Heaven forbid that a Labour candidate should seek to appeal to the working class grass roots. Tony Blair must be disgusted.

Diane Abbott has wangled her way onto the ballot (by which I mean legitimately secured enough nominations to rightfully be there), and a good thing too. My suspicion is that she will do much better than many people think, purely because people don't have my shrewd insight. And she can bully voters when in a lift with them.

In conclusion, they're all shite.

Thursday, 10 June 2010

Blimey, how do I keep churning it out?

I love blogging me. My blog rate is prolific. Anybody trying to run a spoof blog about me would find it very difficult to keep up.

How could Alun Michael lose his copy of Viz?

I've just been looking through the list of new Select Committee chairmen. There are certainly a few surprises. And by surprises I mean that people I don't like have been elected by people who clearly had a different opinion about them from me. Nadine Dorries did really well to come second for the health position, especially considering her clear unsuitability for the role.

And Alun Michael losing his copy of Viz to a Labour MP I can't stand must surely be the absolute nadir of his political career. Or it was until I pointed it out, which has now sent it plummeting even further.

SCOOP: Person is rude to another person. In a lift

No less an authority than Nadine Dorries has commented on my ability to uncover the big stories. "More animated nonsense than Tom and Jerry" was her kind testimonial. I don't know how I do it but I have got another top scoop.

Now, please understand that I haven't been able to verify this story. But I will still use it anyway because it fits what I want to say about Diane Abbott even if it might not be true. Cos that is how lazy, shabby journalism works.

Apparently, she was once rude to someone. In a lift! Elevatorgate as it will doubtless be known in years to come could well scupper her leadership bid and probably bring down the Labour Party. And remember where you heard the story first.

Even if it might not be true.

Oiii, Cameron, tell Obama where to get off

Well done Boris. On the Today Programme this morning he had a go at Barack Obama for his "anti British" rhetoric over the BP situation. He may be the most powerful man in the world with a bloody great big environmental disaster on his hands but he should know better than to slur an entire country. As Boris could have told him, the correct approach is to single out individual cities such as Liverpool or Portsmouth.

Obama's comments yesterday led to 16 per cent of BP's share value being wiped away. This is disgraceful as I have a hefty wedge invested in BP. BP is a highly moral company and has repeatedly taken full responsibility for its cock ups. It isn't always easy to stem the flow of oily waste emanating from a large hole as my opponents have found out.

America is a very important ally to this country or to put it another way we can't have a shit without asking Uncle Sam. But that shouldn't stop Cameron sending Obama a few nasty emails and text messages, or better still threaten to send William Hague over to take him out for a few beers. In fact I hope Dave has the balls to ring Obama today for and invite him outside for a bunch of fives. Even if we are, in language Dave would understand, America's fag.

Parish notice

For Christ's sake. If I can't use my blog to publicise my many interests, what point is there in having a blog? Some readers may suggest I am out growing mere blagging. But I can assure you I am not. Sure, there are periods where blaggers have nothing to sell. At times like this it is better to say nothing rather than blag for the sake of it. Doesn't stop me churning stuff out though. Oh no. My public demands I keep blagging. Their support is what drives me on. I would be letting them down if I didn't carry on. And at the end of the day their need to consume what I blag is what is truly important. Oh, and peddling my half baked opinions.

End of self justification.