The Faley Fail

1: Ed Miliband is fed up of people spelling his name wrong and adding extra "l"s.

Only one blog needed today. Might as well get a decent attack on the new Labour leader into my blog by linking to someone who can do it with more intelligence than me. Yep, I am talking about Stephen Tallll.

Who leaked the Liam Fox letter and why didn't the bastard leak it to me?

The Telegraph has splashed with a leaked "For Your Eyes Only" letter from Liam Fox to David Cameron, containing some pretty candid private pictures. It is strongly worded and is proof, if it were needed, that pointless wars are expensive.

It is deeply worrying that this letter has been leaked. If such things are going to be leaked I want a piece of the action. A FYEO letter can only have been leaked by three different individuals (MoD civil servant, a Number Ten official, an MoD special advisor or Liam Fox himself - so that's four not three then) unless there has been some sort of electronic skulduggery (so make that five individuals - Andy Coulson as well).

Heaven forbid that the "leak" of a letter could have been instigated by Cameron as a way of raising a tricky and emotive issue to gain public support. I wouldn't suggest that, not when I can not suggest that Ben Brogan wouldn't suggest it either even when he does.

I doubt whether the leaker of the letter will ever be identified. They rarely are. Us bloggers and journalists protect our sources closely unless we want to drop them in the shit. But whoever it was should examine their motives for doing it. Because it may have far reaching consequences, way beyond those intended as I have discovered when I have used off the record sources and unchecked rumour and gossip to spread uninformed chaos throughout the blogosphere.

Can you see me up here on my high horse? Waving hypocritically, knee jerking so fast the horse doesn't know whether to break into a gallop or into a thousand equine shards?

I need to cut Ed Miliband loose

Well what a piece of shite that was. Turgid, tedious and lacking pace. But enough about my blog writing.

Ed Miliband was ponderous today. I invented him but clearly forgot to add enough gears or volume. I don't know what the top line from this speech was. Because I wasn't listening. Instead I was concentrating on picking up as many negative points as I could.

If you want a critique that concentrates on the style over the substance of what people say then you are in the right place.

Predictions

Following on from my amazing prediction of 2 years ago when I was the first person to tip Ed Miliband to be a more likely Labour leader than his brother a whole 2 years after others had said the same, I can reveal some other big calls I have got right.

In 1975 I stuck my neck out and said that Britain would win the Second World War. In June I correctly predicted a Conservative-Lib Dem coalition. In August I said that Spain would win the World Cup and next June I will be boldly going out on a limb and stating that West Ham will be relegated from the Premiership.

I must be bloody psychic.

I will also predict that any predictions I make that turn out wrong will be blamed on my new assistant Grunt Fucker.

Introducing my new assistant

A few weeks ago I advertised that I needed an executive assistant to help me in my work now that I have permanent slot on LBC (did I mention this before? Better than being an MP). (Even though I made this announcement of needing an assistant before I widely made the one about having a permanent slot. On LBC I mean. Cos I had to keep it secret. But what is a bit of factual continuity honesty between blogger and fuckwit followers, eh? Sacks of shit the lot of you).

I had a huge amount of applications. And a few people wanted the job as well. Most of whom were shite. But I am delighted to announce that Grunt Fucker is my new executive assistant (I won't overstate the importance of this role with initial capitalisation on the title) starting from today.

Poor old Grunt is a highly articulate and knowledgeable young man but I will soon thrash that out of him. He will be helping me out with all my day-to-day activities (cups of tea, knee-jerking off, clean underwear, knee-jerking-off). He is very dashing and looks like Scott Baio in Charles in Charge.

He will also be contributing other pieces to my blog. However, he will NOT be writing my blogposts - I will continue to be doing that in my own name (unless they are ones in which I get facts wrong and make an arse of myself in which case I will change the byline).

The intention is that by employing him I free up a little more time to write more here myself, as I am aware that in recent weeks I haven't been as prolific as normal. I know that more than half of you come back here more than three times a day as you can't think for yourselves without my half-arse researched nonsense guiding your immoral compasses and lack of independent thinking. He will also be moderating comments, so those I want to block will be blocked much more quickly to enable more debate on my terms to take place.

Anyway, I hope you will welcome Grunt to the team and if you would like to follow him on Twitter you can do so HERE. Bizarrely my own spoofer Iain Dale has already set up a spoof account for him HERE. Sad eh?

Those political blogger achievements in full

An interesting call in on 5 Live just now. Here's how it finished...

CALLER: Name me one achievement of a political blogger inside politics other than rehashed stories, gossip, un-researched "facts", kneejerking and double standards...

CALLER 2: Er......

CALLER 1: OK then, name me one achievement of a political blogger when they were an MP...

CALLER 2: [long pause] Er, they never became an MP...

Says it all.

Funny & Fale on Ed

Would anyone like to listen to 18 voicemail messages recorded this afternoon by the nice Andy Coulson between me and Funny Handle from Leftie Piracy on the Ed Miliband leadership issue?

A strange conference experience

Sitting in the foyer of the main conference hotel I wonder if I have come to the right conference. There just doesn't seem to be anyone right-wing here. Then I realise what's happened. I have turned up to the Labour party conference by mistake. I blame my bank. And the BBC.

Not being smug about Ed Miliband

I told you didn't I? 2 years ago I invented Ed Miliband in a GQ article and now he is Labour leader. I was the only person ever who said he was a potential leader apart from all of the others who were saying the same thing long before I was.

It's not often I get predictions right. Or facts for that matter. So God knows why people take so much notice of what I say.

By the way, I am currently at the conference so expect several blog posts showing restraint and balanced reportage.

I hate my bank nearly as much as lefties and the BBC

I have a bank account. When they offered it to me some years ago I was told it offered me all sorts of benefits. Almost as if they were overselling what they do to make people stay with them.

But now they want to charge me if I want to spend money I haven't got. What a cheek! Typical bloody capitalists. If they carry on like this they'll be making huge profits and that would never do.

Problem is I am stuck with them and these charges. Simply only spending what I earn and not going overdrawn and expecting other people (ie the taxpayer) to pick up the tab isn't an option. And I can't possibly change banks can I? No, instead I will slag them off publicly instead of doing something about it.

The importance of shopping

As some of you may know, my first proper job back in the 1980s, was in a port where I aided lonely sailors who were shopping around for some company. It’s an area I have retained an interest in ever since. Indeed, if I had ever been an MP (which I am well and truly over now, it just isn't worth it now the expenses scam has been rumbled but I could have been an MP you know, I am not bitter at all but FUCK YOU, THE PEOPLE OF NORTH NORFOLK AND FUCK YOU NORMAN LAMB) I would have loved to have been shopping minister.

Shopping is vital to the UK economy. Especially sales of political books.

Blogger apologises to everyone he has offended or mis-represented

OK, he doesn't but it would be nice if he did. He would then be in a stronger position to get all pompous about other people apologising for getting facts wrong and smearing individuals based on spurious evidence.

The right wing blogosphere needs new blood

I have used up most of mine knee-jerking off

Clegg: the right speech for the right, now

Listening to Nick Clegg's speech I was struck by the fact that I could imagine David Cameron giving more or less exactly the same speech, almost word for word. It was almost as if the Tories had written it for him. In fact I suspect he wasn't delivering the speech from Liverpool at all but from way up inside of Cameron's arse.

It was a good speech, delivered well. The Number 10 team will be pleased. The boy Clegg has done what was asked of him.

Minority value: Ashcroft publishes analysis of 2010 election

Lord Ashcroft, the controversial billionaire Tory donor (and financial benefactor of my own company so I have to publish his side of the story if that is what he wants), has written a tough public critique of what he sees as the costly flaws in the Conservative Party's election campaign. In his analysis, the Tory life peer criticises the party for:

Not making use of the millions of pounds I threw at it from my untaxed income to win the election at a canter.

"Cameron's getting no more moolah from me. In fact I am thinking of asking for a refund. But I want to keep the peerage."

Am I life enhancer?

Am I fuck.

Cardinal errors

Being someone prone to knee-jerk and misinformed comments I am in a perfect position to defend Cardinal Kasper's comments about arriving in Heathrow being like coming to a third world country. I have been saying this for ages. Even though he wasn't talking about it being a bit grubby and shite looking but about there being too many fuzzy-wuzzies around. Which is somethiong I would not defend and so I wish that once again I had looked at the facts rather than jerking that knee of mine.

I will then move on to slam all these mythical people who have been calling for the Pope's visit to be banned. Even though they haven't. The Pope may be a Catholic but that doesn't make him a bad guy. He may be head of a church with some pretty outdated and reprehensible views but so what? Perhaps he should start a blog so he can explain himself properly.

I'm rather glad I am out of the country for the whole of the Pope's visit otherwise I suspect he would see a side of a blogger which could be very ugly indeed.

I am so radio it hurts

To keep me away from knee-jerk blogging for a few hours every weekday, LBC have offered me a permanent radio slot from 7-10pm so I can knee-jerk off live on air.

I've only ever really had two real ambitions in my life - to be a Member of Parliament (which never happened and I am really over it and never mention it or cry myself to sleep every night asking "whhhhhyyyyyy?") and to have my own radio show. Well, at least now I can say I've had a 50 per cent success rate!

I owe it all to a children's TV presenter. I figured if Timmy Mallet could eke out a career in broadcast media there was hope for anyone.

These political blog award things are a joke

These political blog award things are a joke if they are not run by me and have people shortlisted who I disagree with and dislike. What El Commentariat should do is rig it to enhance its credibility. And hand out badges.

What do political bloggers actually do?

At a select committe hearing today Bernard Jenkin asked: "What do political bloggers actually do?" The answer is that while some are hyperactively busy spinning lies and jerking their knee, others do sweet F A other than vent very mild opinions and reportage of facts.

It is a disgrace that we now have 150,456 political bloggers (which I have listed), more than under Labour. I'm sure I remember David Cameron making a promise to reduce their number. I doubt whether anyone would notice any difference.

I detest the BBC

How dare they threaten strike action at a time that will have most impact and thus be more effective. BBC staff are ALL vastly overpaid and earn massive pensions compared to the private sector. I can back this up with stats and evidence and am not just basing it on the word of a handful of people I know or on the figure of the organisation's highest paid worker just to fit my anti-BBC standpoint. Let Sky cover the Tory party conference. Murdoch will have had a say in most of the agenda anyway.

Blogger in predictable use of word dinosaur in relation to leftie unions shock

Apparently the unions are outraged because the government has announced a 40 per cent cut in outdated rhetoric while approving an increase in the budget for lazy dinosaur references. Good. It's not people working and staying in jobs and earning money that will get us out of this mess. It is the private sector. And the main priority of the government should be to create a business climate in which SMEs (such as publishing companies) can thrive and invest so they can exploit workers as they wish without anyone bothering about workers' rights and conditions and all that rubbish.

Bob Crow must be crushed. Another job for Eric Pickles, then.

I invented Ed Miliband

Before my piece on him in GQ a couple of years ago, he didn't even exist.

Joyriding a Ferrari

Why I would repeat an unbelievably insensitive and crass comment made by some radio gobshite is anyone's guess. But then I have previous for comparing high profile public sector figures, who may have been negligent but didn't intend for anyone to be killed, to murderers.

I make up that the Guardian has made it up

Even by my standards I really would look a tit if I accused the Guardian of not checking their facts while at the same time not checking my facts.

That would be muckraking masquerading as serious journalism. And I should know.

Labels: pots, kettles, black

Top Tory blogs

I think you alredy know who came top of this without me even typing it. And I see no danger to the credibility of the whole exercise if the blog of the person compiling and publishing the results does well.

Have you ever seen a biker on the bog?

Earlier today I pinched Boris' bike and rode round Parliament Square (a sight which was surely far more distasteful than any squatter's camp). I even frightened a Tory MP by shouting out "Fancy a ride? I am after your seat".

Top 100 Labour Bleats

All leftie nonsense. Rubbish. Don't bother reading them.

And I will include ones even if they have said they are boycotting the poll. I will decide who boycotts what round here not them.

Coming next, the top 14,856,456 Tory blogs.

Can we extradite Theresa May?

I am delighted that Theresa May has announced a review of extradition arrangements with other countries, including the USA. It has long been felt that certain aspects of these treaties disadvantage UK citizens. In that foreigners can get their hands on our home-grown rascals. Quite how and why this has happened one can only guess. Or instead of guessing one could examine the legal history of the agreements and try and use facts to underpin an argument rather than knee-jerking. And if I had done this I could once again have jerked off about it being all the EU's fault. Opportunity missed.

Theresa May really is doing very well in her job as Home Secretary. I'd say she is one of the coalition's top 55 performers so far. And I used to hate her. Just shows I can show hubris when it suits. It would be a blow to my newly discovered Machiavell-iain credentials if I attacked her now she has a senior post in a Tory (sort-of) government.

Silly buggers

Next year I will be publishing a book about the history of homosexuality in the Conservative Party. I am looking for suggestions for the title. How about "The Tories: A History of Buggering up Britain"?

PS It could have been worse. I could have suggested Queer Blue Waters.

PS You don't know how much restraint I have had to show to not make a joke out of the author's name (Michael McManus).

Top 75 Liberal Democrat Political Blogs

There will be NO top 75 Liberal Democrat blogs this year. They have all been absorbed by the Tory blogs and had their values changed.

Blair is a big wuss

Sky are reporting that Tony Blair has pulled out of his London book signing because the EU have banned protesters from throwing eggs at him by the dozen.

He has also shown concern over the high cost of policing it. Purlease. What a chickenshit wanker.

By not facing his detractors he has callously deprived me of an opportunity of blogging about how disgraceful it is that security at a vanity book signing event (which us publishers rely on to shift shite at inflated prices just because someone scribbles on a tome) is being funded by the tax payer.

Maggie Thatcher would NEVER have backed down even if common sense showed it was the right thing to do. She didn't do turning.

I can't be Machiavellian. I don't know what it means

Apparently my defence of Coulson is Machiavellian. But I can't be Machiavellian as I don't know what it means. And I will continue to use such ignorance of facts if it aids my tribal party loyalty, so there.

PS Anyway I would be Machiavell-iain, surely

How do bloggers like me stay in business?

And more importantly, how do PC World stay in business? Because idiots like me still go there despite knowing they are shit.

Still, any more cliche-ridden mildly defamatory nonsense from me about them might well result in them going under as my loyal fans shun them in their billions.

With golden hackneyed prose about acne-ridden teenagers, nerd-geeks etc the non-PC world can easily stay in business. But don't try and make a joke out of me being "buggered if I know".

PS If I do mention Noah's arc, I am of course referring to the rainbow not his boat.

My accusers who say I use hyperbole such as "people who disagree with me should go to hell" just for an eye-catching headline can go to hell

I learnt that advice after accidentally accessing Andy Coulson's phone records. Coulson is so good at his job as a media manager and PR bloke that he has embroiled the government in a scandal about something he did (or didn't) do when he wasn't even working for them. That is how bloody brilliant he is.

I wanted to write a reasoned post that explored the serious allegations about someone now working as Cameron's spin doctor being involved in illegal activities and possible police collusion (or coulsonillusion to give it its proper title) and suggest that perhaps we shouldn't judge someone guilty until they have been proved so(despite my record at doing just the opposite).

But some fucker has hacked into my blog and made me write some quite astonishing stuff based on what my mate Dizzee Fuckwit Rascal reckons. My killer line is "And he [Dizzee Engages Mouth Before He Thinks] takes to task those who refer to hacking and tapping without really knowing what they are talking about..." before I, yes you've guessed it, do just that.

I am really hacked off.

Free speech

I love free speech me. Especially on the internet. And I will refuse to publish the comments of anyone who disagrees with me on this or block them on Twitter.

Guido Fawkes should stop doing my job. Or stick to smearing lefties

I wasn't going to say anything about this for fear of breathing new life into the story, and appearing like a complete pompous hypocrite, but I can't stay silent any longer. I can't help myself. My knee has been twitching like an epeleptic bird watcher.

The campaign against William Hague on the Guido Fawkes blog is nothing short of reprehensible. The lies, smears and innuendo are pathetic. Guido knows fine well that such tittle-tattle masquerading as a journalistic scoop is my job.

The petty and spiteful vilification of Hague by bloggers and newspapers who should know better should stop now, before it gets out of hand. After all such things should only be reserved for lefties.

Top Libertarian, Green, Welsh, Northern Irish political blogs

1) How to grow untaxed organic Wikileeks in Portrush

Would you like to pay for a piss-up I am organising to make myself look good?

At last year's Conservative Party Conference I held a party for my blogreaders. I am doing the same this year because I am a nice bloke. No expense spared from me. Especially if I can get someone else to pay for it.

I've booked a walking-talking German Aryan stereotype I met in Edinburgh to add a bit of comedy.

In no way should any rumours start that just because I speak German and fancy myself as a bit of a wag (I still chuckle at my comment about Stephen Round the other week), I am in some way using this opportunity to launch a career in showbiz.

Personalised plates

I am sure it was done with the best of intentions but a reader recently emailed me details of an eBay auction for a plate, which he seemed to think I might be interested in buying to serve my dinner on (jerked chicken, naturally).

I may come from Essex but I do possess a modicum of taste. For instance I would never make a sweeping statement that in one fell stroke slurred most people in my home county while elevating myself as being better than them. But I am also so bloody impulsive that before I knew what I was doing I was on eBay bidding for it. It has now arrived in the post and looks a bit grubby but I will get my new personal assistant (Scott Parker who I bought from West Ham on transfer deadline day) to give it a scrub later.

Oh and don't bother sending me any details of personalised number plates that are on sale. I am already perfectly happy with the one I have:

KN33 J3RK