Sunday, 8 August 2010


I love milking my presence as you know. And just in case my spoofer, Iain Dale, decides to get clever and pre-empt any views I may have on free milk for under fives, I will pre-empt his pre-empt. Or "pre-empty headed nonsense" to give it its full official, full fat creamy title.

So freshly churned from my dairy, I offer this.

It is a disgrace what has happened. Free milk for the poor? What would Geraldine Dreadfully Unfunny Piss Poor Offensive Satire say about that? Next people will be wanting handouts of the milk of human kindness, which is in low supply round these parts. Therefore for Cameron to come out in such a populist, possibly contrived, way as the defender of free milk is appalling.

Does he not realise what he has done?

By denying the eagle-eyed critical observers of the coalition a chance to make any "milk snatcher" analogies" he has snatched away a basic right.

Leftie wags everywhere were frantically searching in vain for a rhyme for Cameron that would define him as indelibly during the early days of his reign as much as snatcher did Thatcher.

But no.

Satirists have had milk snatcher joke opportunities cruelly snatched away by heartless Cameron, damn moron.

They ponder how Milton and Willetts would have faired in any parodic cheese making. But what's the use, the chance has gone. No use crying over Spillets/Spilton milk.

Milton particularly would have been a prime target. But sadly, thanks to Cameron doing the right thing, for whatever reason, Pasteurised Lost jokes have been denied their oxygen.

PS The way this all came out (unconjoined up government? Policy on the (cloven) hoof?) was NOT a gaffe. I am fed up of hearing about gaffes. Why is there this need to point out mistakes? Don't people know only I am allowed to do that about lefties? Next clever sacks of shit (official term for dissenters) will think they can pick me up on any factual inacucracy (sic) I make. Then I will really be in the cowshit.

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