Imprisoned inside my own narrow mind

After two months of blogging silence (apart from the constant plugs for my radio show - have you missed me?) I make a one day only return to the medium (remember I said that when I next post will you and pick me up on it then as I bet I won't be able to stop now I have got back into it), to implore you to listen to a six minute chunk of a phone in I did last night on Prisoner's rights.

Rights? Rights? Prisoners shouldn't have rights. They'll be expecting secure lodgings and regular exercise next. Anything that attempts to rehabilitate and make them feel more accepted by society and thus lead to reduced re offending rates so that there is less crime and cost to the taxpayer should be strongly resisted in the interests of jerking one's knee about these scum.

A prison officer called Charlie phoned in. Well, he said he was a prison officer. He could have been fucking anyone but that doesn't matter. I will use the word of one unverified person and promote that as the official position of the entire prison service.

What he said amazed me. No wonder prisoners think they've got the upper hand nowadays if people like me constantly get my knickers in a twist about the whole issue.

For those of you who can't be arsed to listen to it, Charlie tells us all the words prison officers are now reportedly banned from using. Political correctness, (political correctness? The only sort of correctness these scum understand is that administered by the fist to correct their behaviour) it seems, is now an integral part of the HM Prison Service.

Note the use of the words "reportedly" and "seems". Because of course I haven't actually bothered to check any of these claims. Because I too, can't be arsed.

But I am happy to promote the unchecked views and opinions of a lone caller because I want to be outraged and jerk my knee and hope my fans will to. Indeed, by empowering my listeners to volunteer to jerk their knees on my behalf So I don't have to I am merely applying the principles of Big Society.

Retirement

With great regret I am now announcing my retirement from blogging and Twitter. I can no longer compete with the sheer bloody brilliance of satire that my spoofer Ian Dale has in his blog. It has been fun jerking my knee off and completely ignoring any responsibility I have to try and research facts properly. The great thing about blogs is that I can say what the fuck I want and completely abdicate any accountability for telling the truth, as long as I meet my own personal political agenda and further my burgeoning media career.

I was going to go quietly but having consulted my lawyer, Jack from Kent, he has informed me that legally I have to write a terribly self important post about "my work on Twitter being done" before signing off. Jack also reminds me that I can always renege on my decision to retire if I want at a later date without looking like an arse, and that if anyone tries to sue me for breach of promise he'll wade in for reasons of self publicity, sorry, justice.

A break

I am still an emotional wreck after the sheer devastating beauty of Osborne and the CSR yesterday. He swung his axe quicker than I can jerk my knee. Indeed there was a very real risk that he would be stopped by health and safety goons, such was the speed and wanton blood lust with which he was brandishing his mighty rich smug weapon. It was a joy to behold. However, I am wrung dry so will be having a few days off, resting my aching patellas and getting ready for the next bout of smugness and leftie bashing.

Nick Robinson - wanker of the year?

Nick Robinson has won wanker of the year. This cheapens my success in this competition last year. I may hand my award back.

My good mate Dorries is cleared of lying about her expenses, he blogged smugly

But was pulled up for fibbing on her blog - but I won't mention that bit as lying on blogs is par for the course as far as I am concerned.

Bloggers who say that those who fund the Taliban are gulity of treason may be guilty of knee-jerk blogging without being in control of the facts

I will repeat something I saw on the telly and plant the suspicion that the Taliban is funded by British mosques while admitting that this may not be true but never let that get in the way of a good knee-jerk and sensationalist headline eh readers?

PS I may not fully understand the law regarding treason

On my LBC show tonight from 7

I give my reaction to the CSR: ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk ha ha ha ha ha ha knee-jerk